When I was 16, I got a purity ring.
And when I was 25, I took it off.
I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band.
“True Love Waits.” Waits.
What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?
*****
I had my reasons for deciding not to wear it anymore. Other people might have other reasons. It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services.
But there’s something bigger behind it than that.
Much bigger.
There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait.
And wait they did.
*****
And waited and waited and waited.
Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.
And still they wait.
More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”
And the girls see it posted on their bulletin boards from time to time.
“You’re right, God,” they say. “We’re not satisfied in you yet. We will put you first and then you can bring us a husband in your timing.”
But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.
If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.
So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?
Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.
A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior.
*****
I had that poem on my bulletin board all through high school – the one where “God” was telling me to fall in love with Him first and then I would be able to fall in love with a husband later.
Who wrote that poem anyway?
Pretty sure it wasn’t God.
When Jesus was here on the earth, the crowds would follow Him because they saw He gave good things. But that’s not what He wanted. He wanted their hearts for Himself. So He would turn to them and say things like, “If you don’t love Me so much that every other relationship in your life looks like hate by comparison, you can’t follow Me.” (Matthew 10:34-39, paraphrase)
That sounds a lot different from the poem.
Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself.
What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.
If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.
If I’d had on my bulletin board, “Fall in love with Jesus.” That’s it. Bottom line. That’s everything you need to know, to work toward, to put your hope in.
If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.
If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.
If we as believers make that our message, things could be drastically different for a lot of girls wondering why the God they think they learned to follow doesn’t compute. It doesn’t necessarily stop the desire for a husband or end all feelings of loneliness, but it does show a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our singleness rather than a God who categorically denies some who pray for husbands while seemingly giving freely to others.
It shows that while marriage is good, He is the greater goal.
*****
Don’t think I’ve done this perfectly.
I’d be deceiving you if you thought that. I’ve had relationships where I made major mistakes. I’ve gone through angst-ridden phases where I met with friends to plead together with God to bring us husbands. I’ve planned major life decisions around possibilities.
I lived like I was waiting for something.
And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.
I already have Him … and He is everything.
“Follow Christ for His own sake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle
Oh my. This was powerful, and so beautifully written. I’m sharing it on my Facebook because I know so many young women who could greatly benefit by this. Bless you for sharing something so personal and heartfelt with the world around you.
As a mom and older person, the idea of “waiting” for a husband has bothered me. I think the focus is just misplaced. I was single for many years and probably will be again as my husband is older and likely to die first.
I agree that the focus of any Christian ought to be God. The husband is a person, and all persons are sinners with limitations. I really believe that as you learn to focus on loving God (and yourself), you will learn how to love others. Loving God and valuing yourself as God values you is a big enough challenge to fill a life. The addition of being in committed relationship with another complicates life since you have committed to make another person a priority of your love. Adding children increases the complexity. It’s easy to add complexity that takes your attention away from your relationship with Christ.
I think Paul said, in effect, it’s best to be unmarried because of the practical restrictions of being commmitted to another person as well as yourself and Christ. Its simpler and less complicated although as yet a work in progress. The ideal, if you have to be married, is to be committed to someone who helps you focus on God and also puts your relationship with God first as well as his/her own. How many are mature enough to do that? I agree that a companion should be a support and partner in relationship with God. But the reality on earth is that we are certainly no better than Adam and Eve. They had many benefits that perhaps we don’t have. How well did they do at keeping their relationship with God?
We are made to be in community, but certainly that community does not have to be a marriage partner. One of our problems is that we don’t have New Testament-type church relationships where daily support can be found in community. Perhaps we as Christians might focus more on that rather than finding a specific, limited person. It’s a matter of whether finding sexual gratification is a priority. The support of community is necessary, but sexual gratification does not have to be.
I love this! I am 29 and have never dated. I wrote a book, but it isnt published. The title?
“I Kissed Waiting Goodbye”
So many church-ianity cliches come with this idea of waiting. But are we exchanging our time in hopes of “buying” a man we “deserve”? What if we got rid of waiting, but still chose to see “Him as greater” as you mentioned. This is beautiful.
If you would want to read the book, let me know. My email is Miss.CassandraAnnSmith@Gmail.com
Thank you for this post!
Hi there!
I’ve nominated your blog, particularly after reading this post, for a blog award. Please find the details at http://catholicbychoice.wordpress.com/2012/10/13/super-sweet-blogging-and-thought-provoking-blog-awards/. I would very much appreciate you accepting it.
Keep on writing! You have a very special gift, I’m sure God is glorified with how you are using it.
Pauline
Great post! This is a great example of something that was well-intentioned (purity), but became it’s own kind of stumbling block. Way to put the gospel at the center.
Reblogged this on Musings and commented:
For those pursuing purity and abstinence…why are you waiting?
I am SO encouraged by this post! I am a new high school girls youth group leader at my church and have been struggling with keeping them believing that there is another reason they are waiting. Loving Him needs to be their main concern in life and high school is where it is sometimes the most difficult. I thank you for posting this…I am sharing this encouraging word with my girls…one question though…what is the poem you refer to? I have seen quite a few different poems written from God’s perspective and would really like to read the one you refer to in this post.
God Bless!
Wonderful column. I am 46, never married and I am living my life, “not waiting.” I am “not waiting” to get married. I am living my life now, traveling, enjoying this beautiful world that our Heavenly Father created. I abstain from pre-marital sex, but I didn’t always live this way. I am so thankful that Jesus’ message of “deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me” resonates with me. This culture has made marriage to be an idol. I tire of people suggesting that if I do A and B then God will bring me a husband. I reject that. Being married does not make one more “super spiritual” than someone who is single.
If that were the case, then Jennifer Lopez would be a super saint and not the Apostle Paul or the late Mother Teresa.
I would like to get married, but I don’t obsess. I truly have learned “His grace is sufficient.”
I do offer hope. My girlfriend got married at 48 for the first time in May and had sex for the first time with her husband. Yes, she WAS a virgin. She is so thankful that she waited and did not fall for the pressure of you have to be married to be whole.
Mother Teresa and Apostle Paul were both married. Teresa vowed marriage vows to Jesus; Paul, traditions says and his Hellenistic Pharisaic adult life would have him married young.
All I can say is WOW! Thank you so much for this…this is what I have been “waiting” No pun intended. Praise God for him allowing you to speak the truth. I really needed this!
I am one of the very few back in my day (married almost 45 years) that waited for the right man to come along, of course we were in high school when we met and so were very young. We waited for almost 7 years before we got married. It had been through our youth group at church and our parents and family and of course my Lord and his teachings.
I think you make a subtle but important distinction.
“For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” Philippians 4:11. And didn’t Paul understand about difficult circumstances?
I wish that I had been content in my singleness. I wasn’t, not even for a minute. I wish that I had been able to rest in the moment and appreciate what was around me. Instead, I wished all the moments away.
I wrote a book called “Rachel’s Manifesto” (www.rachelsmanifesto.com) for YA girls based on my own first relationship experiences. I was so desperate for a man to choose me that I took the first person who came along–someone who happened to be angry and dysfunctional. I think many girls are the same. They end up looking back at their relationships with dissatisfaction because they entered them looking for the validation that comes from God alone.
After much drama, that relationship ended and I eventually did marry someone else. I will celebrate my 21st wedding anniversary on Friday. And if there’s one thing I’m convinced of, it’s that young people romanticize life way too much. You’ve all been watching too much Cinderella. There’s no perfect person! Got it? NO PERFECT PERSON. Marriage is the beginning, not the end, of the story, and there are plenty of storms along the way. If you are wise enough to choose a husband whose goal is the same, then your marriage will be satisfying, and it will continue to bloom through the ebb and flow of good times and bad.
The point of all our lives is to recognize that the Kingdom of God exists NOW–it is a reality, and we have to behave accordingly–in His perfect, agape love. If you’re married, that’s the situation God will use to perfect you. If you’re single, God will use that to perfect you, too.
But for as long as you’re single, for heaven’s sake, listen to Paul and be content. If you’re not content, then you’re ignoring the opportunities that are being placed in front of you, the life that C.S. Lewis calls “God’s eternal NOW.”
Wow this was truly a blessing! On my own blog, districtdiva.com, I wrote on the topic of believing in God as long as He gives us what we want, and a friend of mine sent over this post. How awesome!
thanks a bunch for sharing this. Blessings to you!!
What an amazing message loved it❤
Beautiful! I can remember nights when I would be angry at God (not so long ago) because He didn’t keep His end of the bargain. Yet, when I listened closely, I would still hear Him say, “I love you”. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes ignore Him but with every time I heard Him say “I love you”, my heart would feel something. You worded it well, “Fall in love with Jesus”. Sounds a lot like “seek ye first the kingdom of God…”
I’m blessed by the message! at 27 am single and satisfied..my mother jane was a christian,who term God as her anchor,before she died 10 years ago she always advise her family about the word of God and how we should abstain sex b4 being joint together and that God will provide a wife.
However through my own understandings i choose to go my on way in my teenage and,but i feel that God has chosen wife for me! and i know..
thanks a lot!
Wow, this is so great- thank you! What a great reminder of how even well intentioned man made church traditions can portray something contrary to scripture when it isn’t Gospel centered. I had never thought of this before and it makes me wonder how much this mind set (not just True Love Waits, but that mind set in general for Christian girls) has influenced Christian girls in our generation. I’m definitely all about sticking to scripture when we are holding to God’s promises, and this verse really encouraged me. Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” It just encouraged me in my singleness that God does see our loneliness- Adam was lonely even there in that perfect sinless world where God would walk with them! So it’s not a sin to feel lonely, contrary to how I often felt by the church for being lonely in my singleness. And God not only sees our loneliness, but he does something about it. He acted for Adam even before he called out to him about it.
However, at the same time I do think you have to position yourself where the type of person you are interested in will be- even the woman in Song of Solomon did this. Of course God can bring the man of your dreams to your doorstep, but I’ve seen the Song of Solomon girl way be a lot more successful for people.
After re-reading that last paragraph I realized it sounded like it was directed at you and it was not! I just meant it toward the general attitude I see in Christian girls a lot- not insinuating that you are like this at all. Sorry for any miscommunication!
This just angers me. I saw someone post this on Facebook and decided to read. I respect your choice to wait, I really do. However I truly believe that this is just a way to make yourself feel better for the fact that you’re single. We all make excuses as to why certain things are the way they are. The more you head in one direction of an extreme, the more isolated you become. Do I love God? Yes, I do. But have I seen some sad single church girls? Absolutely! Instead of hoping and a praying for your husband to magically appear from the heavens, make yourself appealing to the opposite sex! Be more well rounded than just the Catholic church! It’s called balance!!
Sorry, Liz, but I think you TOTALLY missed the point of this blog post.
She’s doing the exact OPPOSITE of “just hoping and praying for her husband to magically appear from the heavens.” She used to do that and is saying it’s wrong.
Because the point of our relationship with God is Him. Not the “deal” of having a husband. Single or no, our end-game should be one-ness with Christ, not a spouse. Spouses are nice (I married at only 22), but they aren’t what we should be building our lives around.
Your reply has almost nothing to do with the blog post and almost everything to do with you. I’m not trying to bash/troll/whatever, but perhaps you’re the one trying to make yourself feel better that you have compromised in order to “be appealing” to the opposite sex?
No judgements here. Challenge everything Biblically. I think the author did a great job of documenting her mindset change and has great reasons for doing so. Keep it up!
Liz you missed the entire point of the post but Tom said it best so no need for me to reiterate how left you went with your comment
I’m sorry, I’d like to disagree with you :P I am only a man going to a reformed church, however Catholic is universal in meaning, which means in one unity aka a church the body of Christ. See what I understand is being single myself, is putting a stipulation on yourself to have faith in God because he will give you a gift is the wrong viewpoint to take in the first place. In fact we should be rejoicing at everything he HAS given, Philippians states in chapter 4:8-9 we should be reflecting all the good he has given, yes he has given promises and they WILL be fulfilled, but not in our time, in HIS time. This means that holding expectations of God is putting the expectations BEFORE God. Most certainly doesn’t sound like someone putting God first. However, there is also another term that we should really define….what is love? I’ve asked this to a few married couple, it’s not a feeling, it’s not an emotion, or even those butterflies. In fact “love” is exemplified in our actions, think of the cross of Christ. He shows his love by DOING something for us that we wouldn’t have expected in our entire lives. This means that what we should be doing is practicing giving without expectation of return, and THIS is love to give instead of receive is greater and in return most would show this love as reciprocation to the response of such kindness. Be who you want your partner to be, and do as you would want your partner to do and do it for others without expectation and you will be overjoyed when it is returned and give glory to God in not only your actions but in your joy at the gifts he gives you in return. THAT is how you should be holding your standard of purity. Without this for myself waiting for a wife would be completely pointless, why gain the whole world (if my world is revolving around a wife) and lose my soul? that’s what I think.
I know you have a million comments on this post already, but a friend of mine just shared it with me and I just have to say how beautifully refreshing these words are to me. See, I wrote a book about singleness because I was tired of the ones that seem to say, “Become a better Christian woman in order to secure a godly husband.” I didn’t think that was the purpose of my single years. And try as I might to find another opinion, I felt as if I was alone in my beliefs.
I’ve never read anything from anybody that resonates in my heart quite like this post did. This is the reason I wrote Beyond Waiting. This is what I was trying to say. And I’m so glad to see someone else is embracing life in the now–even when it isn’t easy. Even when there are days you fall into the waiting pattern again. Thanks for proving that I’m not alone and reminding all of us that better things are waiting.
Truly God’s glory is not waiting, He has given irresistible grace. And HIS love is more then enough for us, in fact he created us with a Christ shaped hole in our heart, from what I have learned over the past two years being newly Christian myself is that we as members of the body of Christ need to build one another up….and this means being a part of the body (the church) And if Christ gave his life up for the church, and we are taught that men love their wives and wives obey their husbands, we should completely and undoubtedly be submitted and devoted to God. We become servants, for our church to build it up, but at the same time individualistically we do things for others without expect of return and we reap the glory of God for God alone. Lets put an example, God has forgiven all his people (The body of Christ, his church) Because of the sacrifice of Jesus the begotten son of God and the untainted lamb who was slain. He was resurrected and given new life to show us that we inherit this new life in him. Physically in the old testament he instructed how to build the temple and the alter and such and as well the key point the most holy of areas in the temple and it was separate from the rest of the congregation. HOWEVER Upon the resurrection of Jesus the curtain in the temple that separated the people from God was torn. SO from this we know that to give ALL that we’ve got to give God glory instead of receiving the benefits for ourselves and having these expectations we receive more responsibility to do what he needs us to do. He will give when he knows your ready to handle the next battle and he will equip all his saints with what will come next. Marriage is hard and it takes COMMITMENT not just love and affection, from what I hear it’s not all this lovey dovey stuff but it’s work and it’s to build up. I’m not sure if this is completely relevant for the topic but I think that it might fit in there somewhere XD Pardon me :P
Reblogged this on for only a vapor. and commented:
Every girl seems to be getting engaged or married, but what about the rest of us? Don’t be content with just waiting for the one. The One is already yours and He is more than you could have ever wanted or imagined.
I’m 44 now and was a single guy until I was 37. Two things I always looked for in a wife were 1) someone who can make me laugh, and 2) someone who loves the Lord with all her heart and would draw me closer to Him. I remember quite a few ladies I dated and wanted to date, but for some reason, I just felt like the Lord was planting doubts in my mind about this girl or that. And to be honest, I didn’t believe in “love at first sight” until I met the lady who is now my wife. Yes, the waiting is hard — but I did it, and so did she (she was 29 when we married), and we’ve enjoyed our so-far 7 years of marriage immensely.
This article was written to young women. I am a guy. I waited for God to show me the woman He had picked out for me. Until I was 35 years old! I passed over several dozen young women in my church and at work, waiting to find that one. A couple of girl’s dads even introduced me to them. And a couple of their moms. Several of them came right out and told me they were looking for a husband. One is a medical doctor now. And beautiful. Two of them, that most of my friends told me were interested in me, are engineers. A couple of them asked me out. They were all very nice, Godly young women. Many of them were very attractive. It was sort of like when David was annointed by Samuel. I still don’t understand why it took so long, as I look back now at the age of 58 and wonder why everyone else my age has grand children already and our kids are still in school. God has told me to just “trust Him”. He’s got this. You can trust Him too. It isn’t faith if you get what you want right on schedule, is it? Some days I still question God’s choice for me. Okay many days. Sometimes my flesh tells me this isn’t the one I should have, that I made a bad choice, that I waited too long…..that that one whose beauty I still remember was the best choice and I wouldn’t be second-guessing Him now if I picked her instead. It’s a constant struggle to put God in front of my own human desires. But I can see His hand on my family. It’s more and better than I could have ever dreamt of doing without Him.
Me again…some of those girls are older women now…and still single. Some are happily married. One that I remember, the first one that I got a chance to get to know, whose father introduced us 38 years ago, has been married three times, and divorced three times. Because she couldn’t wait. She had her timetable and was sticking to it. It really hurt when God showed me just a couple weeks ago what happened to her. I just keep thinking that if she hadn’t been in such a ridiculous hurry I might have figured it out and gone after her. And we could have lived happily ever after. Or not. That girl just couldn’t wait for it to sink into my thick skull. I was devastated. Trust God. Have patience in His timing. That is the best you can do.
My premarital sex has been incredible, and now when I marry my fiance in a few months, I know by comparison that I am getting the perfect partner in EVERY regard. Following rules meant to order society when everyone married at 14 and lived to 35 is irrelevant now.
Sophie,
Have you slept with every man on the earth? I hope not. So, how can you know that your fiance is perfect in every regard? How do you know there’s not another man out there that would be more perfect? Such is the case with those of us who choose to wait before marriage to have sex. We don’t have to test the waters- let alone ALL of the waters- before we know we were meant to be with that person. We follow a God who gives us peace about our choices. We know our spouse will be perfect for us in every regard, especially since we won’t have anything to compare it to!
In additon, outlawing premarital sex should not be viewed as a “rule”. It is a life choice that God’s people choose in faith because premarital sex is a sin that breaks His heart. We desire to obey our Heavenly Father because of His undying love for us.
Besides, even if you view it as a strict rule, it most certainly wasn’t intended to order society. (The Bible will tell you the reason behind it). Not to mention, the concept of having only one mate in the realm of marriage started with Adam and Eve and they lived to be hundreds of years old, not 35.
“you may be sure your sin will find you out” – Numbers 32:23.. God’s rules are not “rules meant to order some olden days society”.. they are laws that are designed to create perimeters around our lives which help us avoid deep pit holes and make us happier in the end, and bring Him more glory.
Now that you’ve had premaritial sex, your marriage is more likely to end in divorce (fact). Also, you miss out on the wonderful moment of giving yourself to your husband for the first time and knowing he is the one you chose to wait for, and receiving that gift from him too.
As a Christian guy, I can just say I have massive respect for all the girls here who are waiting, and who are putting God first, above their fleshly desires.
Us guys know the difference. We see and know the difference between the modest girl of Proverbs 31, who has a heart for waiting, and the other type of girl. Proverbs 31 girls, many of which have commented here today, are “far more precious than jewels.”
What separates you girls from the non-modest girls is that in the end, “The heart of her husband trusts in her,” (Proverbs 31:11). The choices you are making are the foundation of a wonderful marriage later on. “Seek first the Kingdom” because God DOES provide, don’t be afraid to ask Him directly for what you want. “He knows what you want before you ask Him” and “He gives good gifts to those who ask”.
A sign that God has provided is that His provision arrives with perfect timing.. So wait on Him and trust in Him and He will provide what He already knows your heart desires.
By the way, that Numbers 32:23 (“be sure your sin will find you out”) was actually prefaced with “If you fail to uphold God’s commands”.. It just shows that God has mercy and He gives second and third chances.. So if you decided to repent of your pre-marital sex, God would make you “white as snow”.
Christian guy, though I’m sure you have good intentions you are saying what the author of the article was writing against. Christian women should not be “waiting”, we are to be faithful to God’s word. Being a single female in my thirties, I know it’s hard to “wait”. There might not be anyone to wait for – not all people get married. If the idea of someday meeting my perfect prince is what keeps me “waiting”, well that doesn’t last much past 25. No, what drives me to doing what God says is knowing He’s good and it’s right. Waiting does not guarantee the marriage of your dreams and women should not be given false hopes. Maybe read the article again.
Wow, well put! I’m thankful there are men out there like you. The guy I am dating now is a rare find and shares a similar view. I can’t tell you how nice it is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t revolve our interactions around the physical. To truly be loved and cherished for ME and who God made me to be, not what I’ll DO or how “far I’ll go”.. is so awesome. Seriously though, I’m very encouraged by your words and will probably direct a lot of my girl friends to this blog and also to your response. God bless you!
As someone who waited and then gave up and gave in I can appreciate what you are saying here. I was faithful in waiting all through high school and all through college and even beyond. And I grew disenchanted with the whole idea and turned to the dark side. I met my husband and married at age 30 having spent 7 years not following the promises I had made. My husband is not a believer and my life is not the best life I could have had. AT this point I am making the best of it and allowing God to use me, thankful that he uses broken vessels to shine his light. And praying someday my husband see’s that light and decides to follow too.
Hm that’s a tough situation.. but it seems to me that you have a pretty repentant heart and that you actually still love God. You sound like the type of person God will use! My only advice is to continuously set an example as a Christain women.. represent your Father well… I’m going to pray tonight that your husband has a Paul-like confrontation and conversion to Christ :)
Wow, thank you so much for writing this. The main point, as you said, is we wait because we LOVE him, not because we want something from him. I was struggling with this awhile ago, but now I am learning to embrace it without complaining. It’s really a beautiful thing because my goal is to love Him more and more in my singleness (not that I can’t love him in a relationship but less distraction ;p). It is a spiritual blessing, and it’s a tragic that the Christian culture shows it as a bad thing if you’re single or if you’re single, then all you need to do is wait. We bless relationships (healthy and unhealthy ones) and marriage, but we don’t bless those who are single! Right now I’m at a stage where I’m getting annoyed (trying to be less aggressive) about the whole idea of getting married because that’s how “God made me”. While I do rejoice when people get marry, we need to stop idolizing marriage as well.
You are also right that we need to preach the WHOLE truth about God, love, and sex. We preach half of the truth which it’s only statistics, and young people want to see the transformation and power in our life. I never did sign the whole “True Love Waits” pledge but I am in a covenant with God (baptism). As a young woman (23) it is hard sometimes because you see couples all around you, but trusting in the Lord and his grace really helps me to be happy for them instead of envying them.
Hi gracefortheroad!
Thank you so much for writing this. It needed to be said, and as a guy who is single and pretty much planning to stay that way, your blog speaks to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the whole “waiting for the right one” sermon. Anyway, you inspired my own blog post series on celibacy, based on John Wesley’s writings on the subject. The first part went up today, and I wanted to share (http://www.dandleblog.com/2012/09/on-dreaded-word-celibacy.html)! You also made my blogroll. I love your writing and your choice of topics. Thanks again and keep up the awesome work in the Lord! :)
I saw this posted by a friend on FB and I really loved it because I think you have hit the core problem in many churches today, and I don’t mean the marriage/singleness issue only. It’s how we treat God in general most of the time, our end of the bargain being we’ll do all these morally good things and in return He’ll give us wealth, good relationships, the dream job(I am in that category), you name it.
So thank you! I know it’s not easy but He can give us joy and peace that transcend human understanding.
God bless
Such an awesome post and something I think so many of us can relate to. Love it!
Hold true to what you believe, not what someone tells you is true. Smart girl, thank you for sharing! I look forward to this lesson with my daughter someday.
Very well put! I have two daughters and have always loved the idea of a purity ring for them. After reading your post, I think if we decide to still do it, to present it in a different way. I loved what you said “If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.” Exactly. If we can teach our children this concept…wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. I was 28 when I got married and this was after attending “Bridal College”. I know the heartache of being in 10 other people’s wedding and no prospects for myself. I wish someone had taught me back then what you have learned. I hope you repeat it to yourself often and that your life is filled with God’s plans. Many blessings!
I came across this blog by someone else’s post I think. This is very well written and you make some good points. Although I think (at least) our churche’s desire in teaching True Love Waits was what your article encourages, I think they could have done a better job with this. In fact, there are many people who have been waiting many years for specific prayers to be answered, They are different types of prayers but just as important to them as this subject to you. Long-suffering type waiting is difficult in many situations and can leave one asking the same questions you did. I’m old enough to know that God does not answer our prayers (whatever type it is) in our time but in His and His best timing for all those involved. I’ve taken things into my own hands before and ended up wishing I were wise enough to wait on Him and more importantly to fill my time and my thoughts with Him and not with what I don’t have.
On another note, my church is full of families and young adults and I know that the young adults have the same concerns and reservations you do. All relationships are important in a church. Try to remember that there are also those who are “empty nesters” (such as myself) who are experiencing that their children are busy with their own lives and sometimes a lot of time passes without contact or visits and so we assume that the young adults in the church really don’t want to have anything to do with adults the same age as their parents or even with people the age of their grandparents. And there are elderly who just can’t get out or around like they used to so they can’t make much of an effort or don’t have the means. Everyone is responsible for reaching out across the age groups and none of us should be sitting around waiting for others to reach out to us, no matter how introverted we are (such as myself)!! Don’t be shy, go to the Leadership Team and the Pastor and present whatever ideas you have for breaking down those barriers – the whole church will benefit.
God bless you and your blog – you are a gifted writer! I pray you seek and find your fulfillment in the Lord and the purpose He has you here for!
Reblogged this on adventure. and commented:
thought provoking
Reblogged this on Rachael's blog and commented:
I’ve seen this blog post bouncing around facebook and such and finally got a chance to read it. well worth my time…and yours.
Thank you for going against the flow and pointing to Jesus. I pray that your story would help many more fall in love with Him. I am encouraged…thank you
Grace…. This was beautiful! I saw that you were sited on Kelly’s today…. So excited to see my sweet friend! I had no idea you had this amazing blog! I will now be an avid reader! Much love. Adair
beautiful and true! I have been married 16 years…I WAITed until I was married, but the truth is, the WAIT does not end at marriage. This life is in fact growing in love, faith, purity with Jesus and ONE DAY when we meet face to face…YES. it will be worth it all. ♥
this was a really good post. thanks for sharing.
It is the truth that sets you free. A lot of truth here. Thanks.
I’ve been thinking similar thoughts to these. I think the focus of ‘True Love Waits’ makes your sexuality be about the elusive “future husband” rather than it being about holiness. It’s a decision you make with and for God not Mr. Right.
I agree it makes us 27+ year olds wonder what we’ve done so wrong and why God doesn’t “bless” us like he has every one else. But it should have never been about bargaining with God… it’s really the wrong focus.
Way to go! I appreciate this article and am encouraged that others feel the same as me!
Thank you!
Hi…not quite sure how this works. A friend posted your blog on FB…now here I am.
Just wanted to say…you spoke truth. Truly sorry that the relationship God intended for “all” of us was presented to you that way. I have to believe that in those leaders hearts…they were in the right place, just not the right way.
Before I married the love of my life I knew I wasn’t ready, I knew there were things in my life that I needed to deal with, I knew that if I wanted to be ready for the man that God new would compliment me, as much as i would him…I needed to work on my heart…on my stuff. God’s timing is always so awesome…even though we don’t think so sometimes. After a year of my journey with God…getting to know Him, and being ok with the fact that He’s all I needed…it happened.
Let me back up, and say that before I started on my journey that year I hadn’t really thought about marriage…as far as when…just knew someday I would. I was a leader of a college and career group, and let’s face it, at that age people start talking “marriage”. You’re right, it’s not something we should hope for…like a prize at the end of a race. Just like anything in our lives…whether it’s marriage, having children, career path…just doing life, we just need to be able to say “God you’re all I need, you know how I’m wired and what’s best for me, as well as my heart’s desires…that if I’m obedient to you… are your desires. So I thank you for what you’re doing in and through me now, and I thank you for that >insert need< . Continue to help me to be your hands and feet…amen."
Bottom line…God loves us all sooo much. He just wants to have a relationship with us…be a part of our lives. Look at it this way…I love my children so much that I speak the Word in their lives, teach them, encourage them, and yes discipline them but they still know through it all I love them. After everything is said and done…I hope and pray that they make the right choices for their lives…following after God's heart. When they make a bad choice with consequences…it breaks my heart to see them have to go through that but I'm with them…loving them. Pretty much how God is with us…more so.
It’s amazing how well intentioned youth group teachings are on so many topics, but how so many of them miss the mark big time because they try to water everything down. I came to a point in my adult life when I realized that what I had been taught back then was sort of this distorted form of the truth and that I needed to dig deep into God’s word to find the real deal for myself. It’s been an amazing journey. This is a really encouraging post that I wish all junior high and high school girls could read. It could save a lot of girls from putting their hopes and dreams in the wrong thing, only to be crushed later. *On a side note, I do believe that Jesus does give us the longing desires of our hearts when we follow Him with self abandonment and surrender all we are to Him, even if it takes a really long time to see it come to pass.
Wow!
I don’t know what to say but wow.
Thank you.
I so appreciated this post. I’ve been married now for 10 years, and have a 7 year old daughter, so in terms of life stages I’m closer to imparting advice on pre-marital relationships than receiving it. And I did get married YOUNG (age 22) which actually was very difficult (we would have had a MUCH easier go of it if we’d both been more mature). I think the Church (at least the American Evangelical church) needs to repent of it’s idolotry of marriage–it serves neither single people nor married ones. Being married involved much sacrifice and pain (and WAITING–waiting for my turn for higher education as my husband does his graduate work, etc.), as does singlness. When we are able to have more realistic attitudes towards relationships, and realize that we need the whole Body of Christ, not just a “soul mate” (which my husband is not) to be whole, well human beings, we will all be freed to live more fully into Christ’s invitation to an abundant life.
I have watched too many marriages that were the fruit of the “marriage culture” at our Evangelical college end in divorce. I do think waiting for marriage to embark in sexual intimacy is important, because it’s an order. But it would be better for many people to delay marriage until they are older, and if they can’t control their physical impulses, have sex! Premarital sex may be damaging, but so is a toxic marriage.
It’s hard to write about this in the comments section of a blog, because my tone could sound snarky, which I don’t intend at all. I have the deepest warmth and compassion for my close friends who struggle with their singleness into their 30′s and 40′s. It’s not an easy road, and one that the church has only made more complicated by their “deals” (as you described) and unbiblical promises that God is some wicked witch/fairy godmother in the sky who gives us what we want when we fall in line in just the right way But the emphais that the church has placed on marriage puts way too much pressure on the “nuclear family.” All of our lives will be richer if we can turn towards one another in Christian community and extend our “families” to include people of all ages and marital status. My own little family of 3 has been graced by a small village of beloved “aunties” and “uncles” who are able to dote on my daughter and be a true friend to me in ways that they wouldn’t have been able to if they had their own families to attend to! And in turn, they have a place to spend holidays or just a rainy September night. We are a comfort to one another–we NEED each other–and no one is left alone.
I thank you for your honesty, and wish you well. You are clearly a wise, thoughtful, and faithful person, alive in the Spirit of Christ. What more could any of us want?
Amen!!
It is not better to have sex if you cannot control your desire. Sex outside of marriage is sin period. How dare you encourage people to sin! I’m sorry you’re not happy in your marriage, marriage is hard, but let’s try to encourage our fellow brothers and sisters to keep their bodies a living sacrifice to Him, not indulge in our flesh.
I agree that the church sometimes makes marriage an idol. I’m 52 and still “waiting.” Sometimes I feel like there is no real place for me there. I worship, I serve, I lead – but there is still one kind of fellowship that is missing.
(responding to your second paragraph) Marriage is definitely not a bad thing. IT is a gift from God. We never want to fall into extremes trying to escape one danger because you will fall right into another one. Although a toxic marriage IS damaging the answer to strong sexual desire is not to give in. The bible gives solution to that in 1 Corinth 7… Paul instructed those who “burn with passion” to marry. So it is better to marry young than to sin against the Lord and our own bodies. But I agree that we all need each other! Awesome that you are finding ways to encourage those around you! I want to do the same…
When I was 16, I signed the “True Love Waits” pledge. Back then we didn’t have the rings we signed the pledge to ourselves, our future mate, our families and our church family. I did wait, I had always waited because it was important to me because of my beliefs. I saw many of my friends who didn’t and I have seen many of them marry and divorce. I met my husband at age 18 and we married at 19. We have been married for 18 years working on 19 years and I have never been happier. It all comes down to what your beliefs are and if you are willing to follow them through. The pledge is a pledge to youself, your future spouse and God. That is what matters. I am proud of those who choose to wait because they love themselves enough to empower themselves.
Wow!!! You are a shining example of what all us young Christians hope to have ourselves. You should share your testimony about purity and how it was a great start to a successful marriage… I’m sure that would encourage alot of people.. Glory to God!
Reblogged this on aliciawantsabookdeal.
Reblogged this on redconverse and commented:
i think this is excellent.
I’d love to talk with you about this post, if you’re willing. You’ve got my email. Thx.
As a woman who married later in life (33) and someone struggling with infertility, this article really spoke to me. Thank you so much from reminding everyone that God is enough and He is the only One who can bring true meaning to our lives.
thank you for sharing this, Blessed. truly, you are a blessing too.
Jokingly we said in college, bachelor to the rapture. I’m 34 yrs old now. Still single. My singleness, like someone’s marriage, requires sacrifice. I sacrifice not to find someone but because I’ve been found, healed and restored by Someone. This story was very encouraging, thank you.