I don’t wait anymore.

When I was 16, I got a purity ring.

And when I was 25, I took it off.

I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band.

“True Love Waits.” Waits.

What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?

*****

I had my reasons for deciding not to wear it anymore. Other people might have other reasons. It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services.

But there’s something bigger behind it than that.

Much bigger.

There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait.

And wait they did.

*****

And waited and waited and waited.

Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.

And still they wait.

More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”

And the girls see it posted on their bulletin boards from time to time.

“You’re right, God,” they say. “We’re not satisfied in you yet. We will put you first and then you can bring us a husband in your timing.”

But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.

If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.

So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?

Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.

A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior.

*****

I had that poem on my bulletin board all through high school – the one where “God” was telling me to fall in love with Him first and then I would be able to fall in love with a husband later.

Who wrote that poem anyway?

Pretty sure it wasn’t God.

When Jesus was here on the earth, the crowds would follow Him because they saw He gave good things. But that’s not what He wanted. He wanted their hearts for Himself. So He would turn to them and say things like, “If you don’t love Me so much that every other relationship in your life looks like hate by comparison, you can’t follow Me.” (Matthew 10:34-39, paraphrase)

That sounds a lot different from the poem.

Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself.

What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.

If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.

If I’d had on my bulletin board, “Fall in love with Jesus.” That’s it. Bottom line. That’s everything you need to know, to work toward, to put your hope in.

If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.

If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.

If we as believers make that our message, things could be drastically different for a lot of girls wondering why the God they think they learned to follow doesn’t compute. It doesn’t necessarily stop the desire for a husband or end all feelings of loneliness, but it does show a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our singleness rather than a God who categorically denies some who pray for husbands while seemingly giving freely to others.

It shows that while marriage is good, He is the greater goal.

*****

Don’t think I’ve done this perfectly.

I’d be deceiving you if you thought that. I’ve had relationships where I made major mistakes. I’ve gone through angst-ridden phases where I met with friends to plead together with God to bring us husbands. I’ve planned major life decisions around possibilities.

I lived like I was waiting for something.

And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.

I already have Him … and He is everything.

“Follow Christ for His own sake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle

i dont wait anymore

(I Don’t Wait Anymore (the book), now available.)

1,768 Comments on “I don’t wait anymore.

  1. Reading this as a 36-year-old woman who heard this as a youth, and then pounded into me again college, I agree 100%. I fell in love with a Christian man in college– he told me I was his best friend and then he married someone thinner and prettier, and 10 years later they divorced. I didn’t meet my husband till I was 26 and I honestly believed there was something wrong with me, that I was doing something disobedient in my spiritual life: if I just figured it out, prayed hard enough, purified my walk enough, He would give me the “reward” of a husband. And all of the spiritual guides in my life only fed into this mentality. And now, friends who followed this advice in college– many are brokenhearted after an ugly divorce, a husband deciding he was homosexual, a friend who had a not-quite sexual encounter for the first time in her life (at age 34) became pregnant and a single mother (and had to leave the mission field). As well as all the women who are my age and not married, who’re still “waiting” for the knight in shining armor. And then I see women who have been taught correctly about the Father, who are not sitting around reading books about how to make themselves “more marriageable,” but are serving hard, working in orphanages, adopting foster children and raising them as a single parent, not “waiting” for a man so they can finally start their Christian lives. I pray that I will teach my daughters to make the most of every moment with the amazing calling God has put on our lives. Not to mention the condemnatory attitude towards Christians whose lives have been broken by divorce. Reality has set in for me and my friends, and it looks so much different than it did when we were in high school and college. Oh, can you tell this resounded with me? Thank you.
    As an aside, I never did the purity ring thing. They did it at my church, but I always felt a little weird about it.

    • Sorry, re-reading this, it sounded like a stream-of-consciousness throw-up of words. Hope I made some sense. ;)

  2. The average age to get married is 30. It’s so sad for me to see comments like “I’m 19 and still single, I know, embarrassing.” You’re ten years away from just the average age to get married. I guess that’s one reason why I’m really glad I didn’t take part in the virginity movements. My first boyfriend was at 20, and we dated for 3.5 years. I got married at 23. I have a biology degree and am currently a second year in medical school. I’m glad that I didn’t care to get married, honestly. We decided to get married simply when it was time, and I am thankful that I lost my virginity a long time ago. I know that comment is going to offend a lot of people, but these are the conversations you don’t hear in abstinence-only classes. Every relationship is different, and being sexually active allowed me to focus on my studies and develop in intimacy with him. Getting married wasn’t all about the sex, it was about the actual marriage. Because of it, I have an extremely active sex life after marriage. My advice to you is make sure your decision to abstain is really your choosing and not because you think your husband will love you less or you’ll be “impure” (purity is a heart issue, and is not synonymous with virginity). Focus in your relationship with God, and focus on finding a good job. Relax and enjoy your youth. Marriage is wonderful. But so is singlehood. I don’t know why people, especially Christians, think it’s so negative. I was single for 20 years willingly and enjoyed every minute of it. I also enjoy being married. Stop worrying so dang much.

  3. It took me a couple times through to fully grasp it, and I think it’s completely correct. Too many people are sold on the Joel Osteen veiw of be great to God and he will give you what you want. That’s not it at all. We are the servants, not the masters. He is the one love we need. If someone else happens to come along, it’s because it what God intended in the first place, not because you earned it. Keep your eyes on serving him and that will be your true happiness.

  4. I live in a place where marriage is the be all and end all of everything. By the time you’re graduating from college, you’re expected to be married and have 1 or 2 kids. People’s attitudes to you depend on whether you’ve got a “mrs” attached to your name or not. I’ve lived around christian guys my whole life. Not a single one ever asked me out on a date. Reasons, too tall, too short, not the right curves, the wrong race, not spiritual enough, too spiritual, I see you as a friend, all a bunch of bull excuses. Sure I got asked out a lot by the non-christian guys, went on dates and all but, I wasn’t about to settle with that for the rest of my life. Got to 28 before deciding, I might as well go it alone, sure some days are bad but most days I figure “would you rather settle or just carry on free as a bird” and I move on. Who knows, I might regret this at 40 or 50 but I cant marry any random person just so I can be a “mrs”. So yeah, I’ve stopped waiting also. Whatever will be will be.. I’m not going to kill myself or go on a husband hunt..

  5. Wonderful Post! I would not 86 the ring though. It is a symbol of a covenant. Also, it can help ward off some of the weirdos, as they will think you are already married. The Bummer is there seems to be more Christian girls trying to do the right thing than guys! I like that the Church has so many programs now and teaching on different things, even addiction recovery and purity classes, etc. What I don’t see is how to have a great marriage classes. We should have groups that are focused on how to have a good marriage, even include some premarital counseling. Singles groups should not be laden with stigmatisms. I believe we should encourage more young Christians to get married and to get over this “perfect one for me” mentality. Whoever you wind up with will drive you nuts, that’s part of the deal! Marriage is not about finding the perfect person for you, it is about becoming the one each other needs in a marriage, while not losing who you are. If both partners are committed to make it work and to serve one another to the best of their ability, with God’s help, then both wind up feeling blessed. This is how we truly begin to become ONE FLESH. Anyways, I really loved reading this post! Keep it up! -David C.

  6. Well, here’s hoping I dont get crucified for this comment, so, here goes… I’m a man. I’m now, a divorced man. Why? Well, believe it or not, it was due in part to a subject in this article. Worship the Lord with all you heart, mind, body…. you know this one. But, can imagine the person you married, “loving” the Lord so much, that you kinda got – left behind? There’s a fine line between worship and never feeling fully forgiven. Now, loosing that purity can surely put you into that mode. This I know. I bring this up to say, YES, all you need is the Lord – not a husband. But when he does come along, dont forget to share that love with him also. You know, that whole “wives submit” and “husbands, love as the Lord did” thing. Its shared.. between God and couples. Shared. This can and does happen. Oh, and for what its worth… that whole “equally yoked” deal… THAT, is really all you need to know. Make sure its “Equal”…….

  7. I had never thought of the phrase “true love waits” like that before. I always thought it meant that if he or she really loves you they won’t pressure you to have sex before marriage. I loved the article though! thanks for the food for thought (:

  8. Thank you for writing this article and for choosing to write something that not all people will agree with. I too was raised with the “true love waits” mentality, I am a strong Christian as well. I am and have been struggling with this concept, I am 21 and marriage and having a family has been one of my biggest dreams in life. It has been a huge issue in my life as long as I can remember. I remember going to the “Pure by Choice” rally when I was 13, and how everyone was so pumped up on the idea. I too wore a pure by choice bracelet, I haven’t had a ring. But I remember desiring and longing so much to feel liked and wanted by a guy, all my friends had boyfriends and I didn’t understand why I didn’t. I was raised in a very loving and Christian home and in no way is my decisions a reflection on my parents. I chose to make decisions because I had the freedom to make those decisions. However, I distinctively remember a conversation I had with my youth leader at the time and she told me to wait and God would have someone for me, all in time. And I feel like when it comes to this issue, that is the “default” or “safe” answer to give a young girl. I didn’t want to hear that, I wanted it then. The enemy took this opportunity to plant many lies in my mind, that I wasn’t beautiful or wanted without a man in my life. That my value and my worth was purely based on my relational status. I allowed these lies and deceptions to take a foothold in my life, and I am still dealing with the repercussions now. Everyone wants to feel wanted, needed and loved. I agree with you on your stance about stop “waiting” and putting your life on hold for that perfect person to walk in your life and to make God and his will for you, your number one priority. However, I would be careful because some people will interpret that it is okay to have sex before marriage and there is no use in waiting. Coming from someone who didn’t wait until marriage, I urge you ladies to never make a man your number one priority and to wait. Never make another person your whole world. They will disappoint you and if you fulfill yourself in another person you will always fill empty. We are imperfect people and live in an imperfect world. When I read this article, I felt offended because it seemed like you were saying that the desire for marriage, intimacy and companionship weren’t legitimate desires but I kept reading. God showed me that he knows all the desires of my heart, he knows me better than I know myself. I however have put my desire for marriage and intimacy above Him in my life, it has been my idol. I believe that in order to know True Love you have to know His Love and that all your love, value and worth ultimately comes from Him. But God does know the desires of each of our hearts, he designed marriage, intimacy and companionship. And having a committed marriage relationship rooted in His love will be the only way to have a long lasting marriage. Two imperfect people can’t make a perfect person, but God can glorify and work in us. Marriage is meant to honor and glorify God, not please ourselves. Until we know Him, how can we expect to know how to love someone else completely? So everyone, be encouraged by this blog post but also know that God does know you better than you know yourself. He will never leave nor forsake you. He is Love.

    • I hope no one would interpret what I wrote to imply that it’s OK to have sex outside marriage. I hope I said clearly that we abstain outside of marriage because we love God and live to please Him.

      Thanks for the note!

    • I agree completely with what you wrote, and I too have made impulsive actions out of impatience for God to answer my prayers. I have been married and divorced at a young age and now have three kids to raise and plenty of struggles from not being pure before we married. I married someone from my church who seemed so perfect for me, yet turns out he was all fake and it was all a cover. He doesn’t love The Lord and ended up not loving me either. My advise to young women reading this is to please wait and just simply Love God and let Him be your husband. Let God teach you how to be loved and what to look for when you think you have found “the one”.

  9. GIRL! This is phenomenal… I’m so glad you shared it. I had never thought about the danger of the word “waiting” but it’s true… way not just live? Abstaining can be fully living, not putting life on hold… brilliant.

  10. I accepted Christ when i was 13, and from then on God continued to work in my life growing me into a mature Christian. I had very few boyfriends that lasted maybe a week or two, but in those relationships i held hands, kissed, made out, so basically opened doors in my life that shouldnt have been open until i was married. I did make any public pledge in my youth group but i wanted to wait for sex until i was married. When God gets into your life, those ways of life (morals and integrety, etc) automatically become a part of your thoughts and actions.
    When i was married, i was not pure, i didnt wait, why because 1. I opened doors that i shouldnt have and 2. I didnt make a strong committment to God to stay focused on Him and to obey Him. I continued to allow those open doors to rule my life. I am not a perfect person and nobody is, but when we dont stand firm in Jesus, sin takes a hold of out lives.
    Throughout my marriage (almost 20 years now), we have had many struggles due to the fact that either one of waited. I will never know the joy or blessing for waiting for my husband. And i could have avoided many unneccesary burdens because of all those opened doors of a marriage relationship before marriage.
    Over the years i have looked to other relationships from my past and compared them to my God-given husband. Whenever we would be upset with each other, we automatically turn our thoughts to someone else we have known. If i had never held hands, kissed, made out, or even hugged any other guy, i wouldnt have those stupid thoughts imprinted into my brain. Not to mention soul ties to each of them that should not even been there.
    But anyone can blame, someone else for how their lives have turned out, simple truth is, we did it to ourselves. God has laid out a plan for us, He made an instruction book for our lives and that is the Word of God.
    I understand that there will be people that give us good sound advice, but how we choose to interpret it is another story. I know that those godly people didnt tell you to make ” waiting for mr. right” a god in your life. You chose to make it the most important thing, which is making it a god.
    My husband was the only man i had ever been with up until 2011, because i gave up on my marriage and kids and God, etc. I got angry because something drastically happened at a church. And it discouraged me to the point of giving up. But I chose, it was not chosen for me. And because i gabe up, my life has been hell.
    And now i am struggling to get back to God.
    Please dont give up, stay strong in your faith, we cant avoided troubles but we can avoid heartache if we just choose Jesus in every part of our lives and not let troubles consume our lives ti discouragement.

  11. Great job. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I found this on the same day I found a new book that I’d like to read, Finally the Bride: Finding Hope While Waiting, by Cheryl McKay. Sounds similar to your post. :)

  12. Articles like this really push my buttons. Why must only girls wait for some wonderful guy to be “given to us”? If girls should have such high pressure societal standards placed upon them, then so too should guys. This is just supporting the horrible societal norms of what a woman should be. Stupid.

    • I don’t think you read the same article the rest of us did. The author made it very clear that the destructive notion of “making your life right with God and then he’ll bring you a husband” is what has misled many women. She is saying basically the same thing you are.

    • Guys also have societal standards placed upon them: they have to be strong, crying is frowned upon, they have to ask girls out, guys who choose to wait until marriage to have sex are often called names and ridiculed by other guys, and many more. The societal standards go both ways, but there is just more emphasis on the standards for girls… I thought it was a good post.

      • I think this is an amazing post! I married, divorced, and had a baby before I met my husband. I made oh so many mistakes! I didn’t wait for God to give me the life He had planned for me. I did my own thing and had a million regrets. I thought that since I didn’t keep my commitment and wait as the woman who posted this has, I didn’t deserve a good Godly man. BUT, when I had run so far and fallen so hard, God said it was time for me to come back to Him. When I did, He gave me a man who was more amazing than I could ever imagine. My husband was a virgin until our wedding night and has adopted my son, forgiven my sins, and is the spiritual leader of our home. Some guys wait. Don’t give up hope. God has a plan and maybe even a man, better than the man of your dreams!

      • I think that Sharon was really mentioning the difference in societal norms. How women are expected from society to wait until marriage to literally “give themselves to God and to husband,” as if they were some kind of property. Yes, men do often get chastised by their peers for waiting until marriage, but that’s because of the societal standard that they should be having sex with any woman they can.

        No matter how you phrase it, the battle against men’s societal standards and the battle against women’s societal standards will never be the same thing.

  13. The reality of this fallen world is there actually are more marriageable women (not incarcerated, drug addicted, and interested in traditional family) compared to men. Girls with any flaws such as being overweight, too smart/educated, too tall, a little brusque in personality or other “flaws” will struggle because men have more choices and don’t have biological or social pressures to marry at the same rate. It is cold facts that many young women have a difficult time facing…whether or not they are Christians. There was an interesting sociological report I read on ratio of marriageable men to women. This is a hard thing in the U.S. It’s not a lack of blessing from God. Just a hard thing..like a love famine.

    • I didn’t know being too smart or too educated was a flaw. Looks like now is a great time for me to drop out of college! And I better rethink my plans to attend seminary.

      Your analysis of our society makes sense, though.

      • It’s true. I have a friend who has her master’s degree. She dated a mechanic and even though they were really compatible, she just couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t have as much education as she did. She’s 35 and still not married. Sometimes girls “wait” too long because they’ve been sold a bill of goods by the movie theater, too, that the “man of her dreams” is going to be absolutely perfect and do everything perfectly when she meets him. Sorry, but if that’s the view, no wonder ladies will be “waiting” forever. Was my husband a perfect spiritual leader when I met him? Nope.

        • Don’t write her off just because she’s 35 and single. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who wasn’t intellectually compatible with me either. I know a Christian lady who was 41 when she married for the first time. When she was young, she broke off her engagement because she wanted to marry a preacher. She devoted herself to God and ministry. God sent her a preacher, a widower who had a daughter, and they are just perfect together. She got her man and she got her child all in God’s time. Let God take care of your friend, and you take care of you.

        • To both you and Alana, there’s a difference between not loving someone due to a lack of intellectual compatibility and not loving someone because of education discrepancies. No disrespect, but your friend sounds more like someone who didn’t like the other person because that person was less successful. That is more of a flaw in our society than girls waiting for the dream guy.

          Judging others based on success is not something I’m sure God would want for us. That leads to classist and elitist behaviors that are detrimental to a democratic society. I’ve met people who are many times smarter than I am, but lacking the same education that I contain due to financial or physical limitations.

    • I don’t think the article focuses on “marriageable women” but rather a re-focusing of priorities. Is Christ the center of your life or is the idea of getting married some day the center of your life? Trust me, as a man, I found this article just as challenging and convicting. Both my YOUNGER brothers got married back to back several years ago before I did. I felt that as the oldest in my family, I should have gotten married first. I am still single, pushing 30, and no closer to getting married. In fact, I have never been in a relationship, and don’t think I never pursued any. I’ve had my heart broken many times by women who are/were just as picky as the men you make note of in your post. However, this article’s point is: Who/what are you putting you hope in? Christ or the idea of finding that spouse? Has this idea become an idol in our lives over Christ?

      • Amen. My husband was 30 when we met, and he had been rejected by so many Christian young women because he was shorter than average, a little nerdy, and kind of shy. Christian women have unrealistic standards too.

    • Um… I got married at the young age of 23 and have a biology degree. I’m currently in medical school. Guys are into SMART girls, not stupid. Get a degree, get a good job, and eventually you’ll find a good guy. Worry about your own future first.

  14. You are the daughter of the Most High King! Thank you for faithfully posting this! God is good and I needed to hear this!
    I am His and He is mine!

  15. Every word of this rings true for me until the very end. The older I get, the more I realize how wrong my view is/was of God. I grew up in church in a less then perfect Christian home believing that God had a plan for me, I was special, I was loved. I should continually seek him on ever little minutiae of my life. This caused me to grow up afraid to make any decisions or move forward; always waiting on God. Always doubting I had done the wrong thing or heard him wrong. I was sold the same like that as soon as I didn’t WANT to be married anymore and I was content to be single forever with Him, only THEN would Mr. Wonderful (This lie told to me from my Mother, who, married at 19 probably only had to float in that magical contentment for a day or two before meeting my Dad and getting married 5 months later)
    Now I am 28 and still single. I dutifully guarded my “purity” like it was hinted at to do while growing up. Nobody ever gave me a ring or had me make a pledge. I trusted God, I tried to follow him, I tried so hard to fall in love with him. But God was never quite there for me. I took a leap of faith and did something way out of my comfort zone because I truly in my heart believed God told me to do it, and I was met with heartbreak, tragedy, and humiliation.

    Ever since then I began to do my own thing and make my own decisions. What did it matter to consult God on every issue, when suddenly I realized he really doesn’t care? He doesn’t care where I go to school, which job I do, who my friends are, what parking space I take. I’m learning that if I want anything in this life, I am going to have to go out and get it for myself. God will not serve it to me on a silver platter if I finally spend x amount of time in prayer and bible study a day. I don’t even know if I can credit God with giving anything, because then I would have to credit him for all the bad too. What does the term “unanswered prayer” even mean?

    All this to say, though still a virgin, I don’t plan to be one anymore. I’m seeing a 34 year old who never waited for anything and learned at a young age the hardness of life. If I continue to see him then we will end up having sex, and that makes me sad. I waited a long time for nothing. But it makes me even more sad to think about going through life without experiencing touch and intimacy with someone. Maybe God doesn’t “have” a husband waiting in the wings for me, whatever that means. That’s fine. But I am going to live my life the way I want to now. I’ll stop begging God, pleading with God, and blaming him. Will I get what I want? Probably not. But at least I am done waiting.

    • Adah, I hurt for you. I’d like to say God does care. He cares about you. You’re right … He doesn’t serve us what we want on a silver platter because we spend enough time prayer and Bible study. But when we come to Him (in prayer and Bible study) wanting to get Him, to know Him better, rather than seeking what we want or seeking guidance, He gives us Himself.

      And that’s what we wait for. “Waiting” isn’t about wanting to be given things here on this earth, and being “done waiting” isn’t about taking matters into our own hands. It’s about giving all of ourselves to Him (and that includes our hurts). We wait for the day we get to see Him face to face and our love and joy is complete in Him, and everything is made right. When that’s what we want, He is more than gracious to give it to us abundantly.

      Praying for you today. And I beg you … don’t go down that road.

    • Hello Adah,
      First of all I thank you for being so open with how you feel. I know myself what it is like to just like God is not answering you and doesn’t care; to feel utterly alone. However, please don’t just throw him away. Please remember that our reward is not here on earth and those who patiently endure hardship and testing will reign with Jesus (2 Tim 2:12) and receive the crown of life (James 1:12). Actually I would encourage you to pray that God would speak to you and then read all of 2 Timothy chapter 2 and all of James chapter 1. There is some wonderful teaching in there that I hope will empower you to flee from this temptation that is now upon you. All of the answers are in his word which we are to hide in our hearts so that we may not sin against Him. I promise you that God loves you so much that even if you are unfaithful to him he remains faithful to you (2 Tim 2:13). This is not an excuse to sin, but it is just a reality of having a sinful nature. We are do die to the flesh and not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Believe me I have learned all of this the hard way (my story is on here too a few posts earlier than yours) and I don’t want you to have to go through that. We should flee from sexual sin (1 Cor 6:18), run away from it not embrace it. It is something that draws you like a magnet and when you get too close it is very difficult to escape. I’m going to post 1 Corinthians 6:12-18 (NLT)here for you:
      “12 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. 13 You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. 14 And God will raise us from the dead by his power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead.
      15 Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! 16 And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” 17 But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.
      18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”

      I am not trying to throw the Bible in your face or to judge you, but I am hoping that you see the truth that is in God’s word. I hope and pray that you will see how much he loves you. I pray that He will open your eyes so that you may see the ultimate courtship that is his faithfulness to you. My first husband was unfaithful to me but my God has never been unfaithful! When I think about how my ex’s unfaithfulness made me feel; hurt in my innermost being, betrayed, estranged, broken and unloved. Then I think about all the ways that I have been unfaithful to God and I just can’t fathom how I could allow myself to be unfaithful to the only one who has ever been faithful to me! That is what we all long for right? For someone to love us unconditionally, never be unfaithful to us and always want what’s best for us. Well God is just that, we just need to realize that he fits that description and allow Him to fill that void for us. It took me many years of struggling to realize this but wow, does it bring peace and joy and hope and love now that I understand that. Please I beg you to take all of this into consideration before you destroy the purity that you have worked so hard to preserve. I know that he wants nothing but the best for you. I know that we don’t always realize what that is, but He does, and I trust Him completely. I leave you with my favorite verse Jeremiah 29:11 “11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ♥

  16. What a load of bunk. So tired of these wannabe intellectuals taking good, moral sayings or teachings and twisting them to meet their own little blog agenda. Gee, maybe I should NOT pray for my cancer stricken friend to be healed but instead pray that he lives a life to the glory of God. Worthless.

    • You have twisted this blog worse than any potential twist on scripture. I cannot even figure out where you got the idea that she was suggesting not to pray for sick loved ones. She is saying quit praying to God as if he is the great “genie” in the sky and pray to Him and serve Him simply because he is the MOST HIGH GOD who is worthy of ALL of our praise.

    • Every knee shall bow,every tongue shall confess He is the one and only LORD

    • You should do both. God calls us to be satisfied in Him and Him alone despite all trials and tribulations we may face. It’s not that you shouldn’t pray for the desires of your heart (the author made this point very clear) but even the Lord’s prayer (from the lips of Christ himself) begins above all else with “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. Our lives are to bring glory to God above all else and if that means living a godly life with cancer so be it. Our God is jealous for the glory due Him, so our trials are meant to bring Him glory and display his power and goodness. If He is brought the most glory in your friend living well with cancer then he or she will, but He may be most glorified in healing your friend, but that is not up to you. Pray as the holy spirit leads but know the final answer is up to God and Him alone. Ultimately, the author’s point was that she is giving her desires to the Lord in this area in particular and not “waiting” any longer to find satisfaction in anything other that Christ. I commend her for giving women a much needed renewed perspective on what it means to lay down your cross and follow Him.

    • Tim. You are so confused. Read it again. Slowly. She is right on. She is talking about a greater purpose in life. Many times we put life on hold waiting for something we think we need or would make us happy. It’s about having PURPOSE! It’s not about praying for your friend with cancer. Please keep praying. It’s about your friend have a beautiful deep purpose in life with or without the cancer. Dang man. Be happy. Spread some joy instead of hate.

    • Tim I don’t think she’s saying not to pray for those things but rather about the importance of glorifying God. If your friend lives a life that is glorifying to God and furthers the kingdom (which can be done everywhere: Africa, San Francisco, at school, or even in a hospital bed) than no matter how long or short that person’s life is, it was worth living. By all means pray for healing, pray for a spouse because God wants to hear all of it. But more importantly pray for the things that are eternal. It may be someone’s time to pass but if even a tiny bit of their life was spent walking with Jesus then they’ll be in a better place- much better than this broken world. Have love for the girl who posted this because she is trying to work out how to be in the world but not of it an how her walk with Jesus can be the best it can be.

    • There’s nothing wrong with praying for healing. But realize that in any and ever situation, we should be praying that we and others “live a life to the glory of God”. That is in fact the focus we all, your friend included (if that is more than an illustration), should have. Don’t focus on hoping for a miracle; instead focus on living in relationship with Christ, regardless of your circumstance.

    • Which do you suppose is more important? I have to say that your friends life as is all of ours is very short when put in proper view. Our time here on earth is but a twinkling in the eye. It’s so short that we should KNOW the importance of our surrender to Jesus. Or, as you put it living a life to the glory of God. Pray because you love your friend and know our walks are completely secondary to his love for us. So YES! You should live life to the glory of the one who loved you while you were at your worst and made a way for you to be spotless in that day. Our lives ARE about sharing that or as you put it living our lives unto the glory of God. Well put!

    • Maybe you shouldn’t be praying in that way. God’s will is perfect and holy. Our small minds cannot begin to grasp why He takes someone’s life who was devoted to Him or why people get diagnosed with illnesses that are fatal. I have a fatal disease and I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for that disease.
      I focused on guys in my life & then I was diagnosed. My world was completely shattered. There was one main thing He taught me through that time. God’s will is often not our will. His plan is hardly ever our original plan, but He can see the bigger picture.
      I lost a dear friend my freshman year of high school for a heart deformity. She loved God desperately, but He still took her home. Why? I don’t know. But I do know this. “God’s Got It” He has the entire world in His hand, and He is not restrained by anything. We need to pray for His will in our lives so that we can glorify Him.
      “The Spirit is God’s guarantee that He will give us the inheritance He promised and that He has purchased us to be His own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify Him.” (Ephesians 1:14 NLT)

    • No, Tim. What you should NOT do, is pray for your cancer stricken friend with words like “You have to heal him” or “I have done everything for you, why haven’t you healed him??” or “I loved you, he loved you, we now deserve healing!”

      FULLY TRUSTING God is praying for his healing and praying healing over him in the name of Jesus Christ BUT acknowledging that his healing might not be part of God’s plan and ACCEPTING that.

      Being one with God and leaning into God and leaning in to hear what he has to say, making God first and only. Making yourself second. And yes – pray for healing and believe that if it is to be so, it will be so – but also accept that you don’t “deserve” anything just because you’ve done those things. Like, “follow this step and a husband will come to you.” “follow this prayer and you will get your way.” HIS will be done not yours and His plans are bigger than yours.

      Our senior pastor just died of cancer yesterday. Stage 4 lung and brain after about a year and a half of fighting and praying. He was SURROUNDED by healing prayers and lifted up in prayer continuously.

      God called him home.

      And YES, many of us praying DID pray that he would live a life to the Glory of God – that he would not be angry with God – that he would lean on God and that God would take his pain.

      And our prayers at the very end were that he would be one with God and that God’s will would be done and that he would not have pain.

      Your post suggests that you can change God’s mind. You cannot.

      Read closer, my friend. Search Deeper. Be second.

    • No, you should pray both that they are healed, and that they live their life to the glory of God

  17. Great post…”What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.
    If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him….” Exactly. We obey Him because we Love Him–He is our All in All…
    As a side note–it sounds like your were raised an evangelical? Where do you (if you do go…) to church now?

  18. I don’t know why we think that God’s first job is to be a celestial matchmaking service, or stopping people from doing things that tick us off, or keeping our relatives out of heaven.

    We’re a funny people.

  19. This was so great and so timely! I find myself coming back to this post in different times of my life.. it never gets old!

  20. This is brilliantly written, and I absolutely applaud the author. Simultaneously, I personally pity her and the relatively few (if the statistics are correct) remaining fundamentalists who cling to what can only be described as wishful thinking and fairy-tale mentalities. It’s a tragic and lonely way to live the one life you have. I have a few close friends who are doing this very thing. The reality is, they wish it was different. Human biology is simply that way. Ultimately the author provides the theological spin which says, “Don’t pray for god to give you a husband, just be content with god in the first place.” In every practical and rational way, god is imaginary. I know that statement will be an anathema to nearly all the readers here, who surely believe fervently that the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob is the master and creator of the universe and in his omnipotence is in control of our lives (within the allowable confines of free will, save the Calvinists). My sincere apologies to those few people that read this and feel anger toward me “mocking” their chosen deity. I’m not intentionally being demeaning. I’m legitimately sad for the boys and girls, men and women who are expecting their God, who for all intents and purposes gives the same comfort that a child’s imaginary friend does, to be “enough” for them…when all they intrinsically want and need is REAL human companionship, love and affection. You can try and mentally convince yourself that “All I really need is Jesus.”, but here in the real world, the truth is living alone past your prime into an old spinster is a comfortable fit for only a very very few. Life in the real world has so much more joy and happiness to offer than that.

    • I find your post intriguing and would ask you to explain in a practical and rational way how DNA, a fascinating and complicated, yet completely decipherable programming code, came to be? Research the fallibility of carbon 14 dating and then explain the existence of the millions of living things on this Earth, and then rationally and practically explain to me how an explosion with no purpose brought it all into existence. If you are going to use evolution, then explain to me why all scientists who believe in the necessity of data to prove a theory have backed down from the “Theory of Evolution” because the last 60 years of research have done more to disprove it than prove it. Of late, the concept of a Great Intelligence” beyond our comprehension, intentionally and purposefully creating this world, makes so much more sense than a big accident.
      Also, her blog actually detracts from the idea that God is a cosmic matchmaker that exists to dabble in the minutiae of our day to day life. It sounds as if you are attempting to project an arguable opinion on to her blog simply to make you feel superior.

    • 1 Corinthians 15- “17 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. 18 Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. 19 If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.”
      You are absolutely correct. If we are wrong and Christ has not been raised you should feel bad for us. But trust me He is real and you are missing out on a love that no earthly relationship can compare to. This is coming from someone who by all earthly measures of relationships has it all, a loving wife, great family, and loyal friends.

    • I’m legitimately sad for you, Daniel. It is an adventure, not a tragedy, to live for Christ every day. If you tried it, you would know that the joy we have is genuine. “O taste and see that the Lord is good…”

      • I did. And I loved it. I looked upon myself as a champion of truth, someone who was living by great standards that the whole world should embrace.

        But eventually I realized I had absolutely no reason to live like that. Why should I trust any preacher? What “truth” do they possess? What “truth” does the Bible possess? And most important of all, why shoud I let those beliefs tell me how to live my life?

        I feel much more freedom now that I think, eat, date, and do pretty much every life decision based on what I want, in spite of what some people or books say what some god wants.

  21. SOMEONE GETS IT! Glory to God. This is what Jesus was saying when the apostles asked him about marriage, only they didnt quite understand what he was saying. Blessed is the man/woman who finds a wife/husband, but it is just as good not to marry at all. life aint about stuff like that. you have to find the mission God made you for. everything you’ve done, everything you are is for that purpose; the purpose of God for you. Use what He gave you to His glory. He didnt give you skills and dreams so that it can collect dust on the table waiting for better days. Use them now and follow those dreams. If someone comes along that wants to share in that dream, then its awesome! but dont wait for that someone to start. live life to the full starting yesterday.

    Guys, treat our sisters in Christ as the jewels they are; as you would treat your wife someday. Girls, same story. Remember marriage starts with friendship. If you are waiting for the right guy/girl, you will wait forever cause there is no such thing. God doesnt just have one person destined to be your partner. He gave you a free will so you can decide for yourself. no one is walking around with a halo on their heads saying “here i am, your husband/wife”

  22. My story is much different from yours. But trusting God is the common ground.

    Back in my day we had no such thing as a “love waits” ring. The summer following my 8th grade school year I made a commitment to God. The commitment was to please God with my life. That was an all conclusive commitment. First challenge was to be obedient to my parents- always. Not just when it was convenient. My father was very strict and would not allow me to ever wear a guy’s “steady” ring. He also made it known I would not be with guys singularly. I was to always be in a group. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust me he said. I shouldn’t trust me. It is natural to not wait. I met a godly man while I was in high school and we committed ourselves to each other. We both wanted to please God with our lives. My father didn’t allow me to wear a ring or any token of our commitment. Together we became stronger in our faith and our commitment to God increased. We were dedicated to honor God and my parents to live a godly lifestyle. We both struggled with areas of sin and we would be strong with each other. Praying together and worshiping God together. He had many faults that I noticed, and I had many faults he noticed. Those faults were unattractive and shameful to us individually. Our relationship with God helped us to see His love toward us as unconditional. So because of His love toward us we were able to love past our flaws. Surprisingly enough that made our relationship more rich and grounded. We were married and served God for 35 years. Along the way we met various struggles. But it was God that was our rock. Our strength. He was the one that never let us down. He comforted us when we miscarried our first baby. We knew in our hearts that God loved us and would never harm us. We had struggles with money and sacrificed much for me to be a “stay at home mom” and raise our 5 children. When we lacked we asked God. God provided in the most amazing ways. Sometimes I’d ask God. Why did you say “yes” to a turkey for thanksgiving and say “no” to healing our first baby. It continues to be a mystery but in those struggles we learned a deeper lesson. Trusting God.

    So when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer we trusted God. My husband continued to served God in a rescue mission. That year he was promoted to the position of “clergy”. He was well known and loved for his compassion and patience. He trusted God so much that he would never acknowledge he was dying. He lived each day being thankful for it and being thankful for every joy and blessing that came with it. We lived in the truth that God loved us and continues to bless us so we could bless others. He touched so many people with his faith and trust in God. Sunday Jan 28th at 8:50 2012 he took his last breath trusting God knowing that He would take care of both of us. He did admit he was more concerned about me than himself. Heaven was his reward. But how would God pull off taking care of his widow with a house payment and no insurance? So. He trusted God. The chapel in the mission was named after him. The Bill Garland chapel. Praise God! To Him be the glory!

    Miracles happen every day. We just need to look for them. After my precious husband went to be with his beloved savior and friend Jesus I have not lacked. God is my rock and my salvation whom shall I fear. I’m not saying it has been easy. The separation from my dear husband has been the most painful agonizing experience of my life. My children surround me and support me. My church family surrounds me with prayers and hugs as I need them. My own personal story doesn’t end with me saying I am alone and I am trusting God. I loved being married because it was the two of us that trusted God together. When one was worried the other would hold them up. I prayed for a new husband to help heal my broken heart. I looked for someone that loved God and could love me and that I cloudless love. I met so many people. I kept looking. People would say to me stop looking he will just show up one day. I didn’t listen. I kept looking. I joined a widow support group. I couldn’t believe it! There were men there. That is the place I met my husband now. I prayed and asked God- is he the one? Now I know it wasn’t an audible voice but I could hear as plan as day in my heart God said if you choose another you will be getting second best. This relationship is different in many ways from my first experience with marriage. But mostly the same in that we both have flaws we both need God to help us. We both lost our spouses to cancer Jan. 2012. Our hearts are daily being mended by the love we share and we have the freedom to grieve the losses of our beloved ones that are with Jesus now. We were married June 22, 2013.

    And we continue to trust God. His plans are good for us. He knows each one of us and ultimately wants us to trust Him above all in all.

    In my heart I hope my story helps others to see that our relationship with God is built on His love to us and the good (and seemingly bad) He gives us. That when we don’t understand what is happening around us and to us He loves us And His ways are good.

    Thank you for reading my story.
    Your stories are inspiring to me as well.
    Sheryl

  23. Take it a step further – He is the bridegroom, we’re all the bride.

  24. One of my friends on Facebook shared this yesterday. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been really struggling with the fact that yeah, I am 19 and still single. You see, my 2 older brothers were married by the time they were 21 and my mom was 19 when she was married. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and so my family and friends are always telling to you need a boyfriend and blah blah. I’ve told them for the longest time that I am waiting for that “special some one”, but really I know that in order for me to really be able to love people, I need to seek God first.
    I’ve built a wall around because of years of people hurting me, so I’ve decided that I need to see God to learn to love and let love in again. But, this article really just put into words what has been on my heart since I was 15. and I can tell you, it is a slow process, but God is softening my heart, and I am starting to feel a little warmth that I’d forgotten I could feel.

    • God loves you so much and wants to reveal himself to you. He is proud if you and is catching each of your tears as they drop. Keep the faith and continue to look to him for your hope. He is the best friend you can ever ask for!

    • Nene: I pray you are encouraged! A great page on Facebook is “Abstinence Until Marriage”! It is an encouragement and many people share their joy, struggles, peace and challenges on honoring God with abstaining until marriage! I highly recommend you “like” it. It’s very helpful! God bless you!

  25. Thank you so much for writing this. I have been confused and frustrated by the same statements you mentioned. I have put my life on hold, waiting and praying for a husband and feeling so mucked up because I don’t have a perfect relationship with my Father Jesus.I was told that God would send me a husband when I made right and loved him correctly first. Thank you so much for your courage to speak truth!

  26. Keeping your eyes on your True Love is a life goal that continues and gets even more challenging sometimes in the midst of marriage. I sure hope people read all the way to the end on this great post. An Eternal God should be big enough to keep loving and learning through this lifetime and eternally. Not always easy, but always loving, always faithful, always just, and always worth it!

  27. Congratulations, now mislead girls are going to read this article and basically misinterpret it the way they want to hear it… which is: Hey, i can have sex now.

    • That was not her point at all. And I don’t think many people would be misinterpreting it that way either.

  28. Thanks for this post. I think a lot about sexual ethics and Christianity, and how it is very damaging. I never had a purity ring, and didn’t really want one, since I figured that my body was my business. I still think it is. I want to praise this article for moving the focus of the idea of the purity ring from “waiting for sex/husband/male to come and be our everything” to acknowledging that we don’t have to wait for Jesus because he is always here and is always loving us…truly there is no greater love.
    But I would like to push a little bit on this: why are we taught that having sex/waiting to have sex for marriage is equivalent to giving our “everything”? As women, weren’t we created for more than just to be seen as having our worth between our legs? Didn’t Jesus himself heal and save women with bad reputations? He didn’t see women’s (or anyone’s!) worth simply as resting with their so-called sexual purity!
    I would add to this post that yes, we DON’T have to wait for God or Jesus to love us, because that is the ultimate continuing love! Abiding love!
    But the idea behind purity rings that is about waiting to have sex until marriage because we are protecting our ‘purity’ or our ‘worth’ as women needs to go away; it hurts a lot of people. We need to decide to wait until marriage, if it is right for us, not only because of the idea of purity, but because we are making our own choices, because we decide that we want a different, special relationship with one person. We need to decide to wait until marriage not because our heavenly Father or our earthly father tells us to (not because ANY man tells us to!) but because we have made an educated decision about the worth of our bodies and we want to keep that part to ourselves.
    Marriage can be a good institution, it can be fruitful and bless many people in many ways. For sure. I love the point about not living like you are waiting for anything–that kind of living stinks…it’s hard to be always looking for that partner, that person who will be the “someone special”…and it gets harder and harder with every heartbreak…harder to trust that God has a plan. It makes me sad to think that I am often caught in this endless cycle of destructive thought…”why am I not good enough? why doesn’t anyone want me yet?” and have that thought be based in an idea that God is not sending me anyone. I’m not sure that’s how it works.
    Great blog post. Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. Christian girls, guys, he/she/ze need to be reading this and thinking about these things critically. I hope you take my comments in stride, because you are doing such good things by voicing these ideas and opinions. You are being brave. I just think you can go even farther with this!

  29. You’re 25. Thank goodness you aren’t wearing a purity ring anymore. By the time someone is that age it is literally unhealthy to not be having sex despite what anyone says. It is good for both mental and physical health. People are too serious sometimes.

    • Haha… only someone truly scientific would say that it is “unhealthy” to wait past “the ripe old age of 25” to have sex. Thank you Doctor. What the world wouldn’t do without your sparkling insights. I feel sorry for any young ladies that come across your radar.

    • “By the time someone is that age it is literally unhealthy to not be having sex despite what anyone says”

      Evidence? I’m not saying you’re wrong, and I’m not saying you’re right. But I want to see you cite a source that supports your claims.

    • Andy:Sex is BEST in the confines and comforts of a monogamous godly relationship (the covenant of marriage). Sex is serious business and if you’ve not been serious about it, you had better start. Your wife and your childrens’ future could depend on it.

      See Dr. Miriam Grossman.

  30. I’m coming from a different point of view than most of you who have replied. I’m old enough to be your grandmother and a widow of sixteen months. I think that we need to remember that we were created to please God, not the other way around. There is no Mister Perfect. We are fallen humans who sin and have to seek forgiveness over and over on a regular basis as we grow in Jesus. When I met my late husband he was only 15 and I was 17. We were married for 44 years before he went to be with our Lord. I had been fervently praying for a boyfriend, not a husband when I met my husband. God brought the person he had created for me into my life. It was always “until death do us part.” The point, I guess that I wanted to make is seek God’s will, and remember that you are not a perfect being, and you’re not going to find a husband who is perfect either. I feel that “being equally yoked” is an extremely important fact to remember.

  31. I’m a guy that experienced everything you described. Thank you for writing this. It hit me hard. I’ve come through that period of angst with a few bruises of my own. Still single but ready to wake up from the dream. The ‘wait’ narrative can be us idealizing someone else’s story and constructing our own version of expectations. I’ve learned Jesus has a unique story for each of us and it’s amazing. But it comes from living not waiting. He came to give us life and He is life. Thank you for this encouragement!

  32. This is absolutely true and home-hitting. Also another point, we girls no God is preparing us for that right person at the right time. But, what about the guy? We ladies all have to realize that God has to prepare both sides. That his timing is perfect for us yes and also perfect for the guy well.

  33. Reblogged this on Life Has Meaning and commented:
    We get so hung up on milestones.
    Enter school. Graduate. First award, first friend, first party, (sometimes) first kiss.
    Get a job. A career.
    Get married.
    Have children.
    All the while, profess God’s goodness because… you’ve met that milestone?
    Our life isn’t to complete milestones. It’s to live Christ.
    In my life, I suddenly don’t know if I’m going to meet some of those common milestones. Those were my plan. But we need to understand that our man-constructed steps in life are’t anywhere in the Bible. There’s no Scripture that says we’ll go through those steps above.
    We’re called to live. We’re called to accept His grace and follow His plan. And sometimes (if not oftentimes), that requires surrendering our presuppositions of what is expected for our life. Stepping without sight to the next God-planned milestone.
    That kind of life? That is the fullest, most God-glorifying, impacting life.

    Reflecting on that, read this post on waiting for “the one”. This message is one that throughout my life and even more recently has been something I long to see taught to our growing young women.
    You don’t need a man and God might not bring one. And that’s okay. Because He is enough and His plan – whether married or not – is by far the best.

  34. Thank you! I really needed to hear/read this right now, and God really used you to tell me about it. :)

  35. I was a Christian teen who became very frustrated by similar goals set forth for the men, who then ran into dozens of Christian women who wouldn’t date at all because they were waiting for their “Mr. Right” to appear, sheathed in glory and radiant with light, that they would know as soon as they saw him. I wound up dating non-Christians as a result, because no Christian girl would touch me without light radiating from my face.

    That is another unintended side effect, I think. It caused all of the young women to “friendzone” the only decent men in their lives, driving those men into the arms of less than virtuous women.

    • If it is any consolation, I–too–have had a similar experience with Christian men. I took a pledge of purity when I was about 16 as the author of this blog indicated. For years I waited and looked for a Christian man. I even went so far as to ask a few of them out that I thought would at least try and give me a chance. No. They never did.

      Many times, I was left and felt that I was not “religious” or “spiritual” enough to be considered the woman that God intended me to be. The double edge sword was that even non-Christian men considered me too much of what the others seemed to believe that I lacked.

      Ultimately, I did not go out on my first date until I was 24, and am now marrying a man that considers himself an atheist. He was and is more that I could ever imagine in a lover, best friend, companion, and partner. He supports me where I am and where I stand in my faith much more than any other Christian man ever did. Where he stands right now for salvation, is unknown since he was Christian for the first 21 years of his life.

      able34bravo, I really appreciated reading your post! It did make me feel like I was not alone. Thank you for sharing!

    • While I understand your frustration, I don’t think it’s fair to say that women “friendzoning” Christian men drives those men to date nonchristian women. It is not the responsibility of Christian women to make sure Christian men do not date nonchristian women, that is the men’s own decision and responsibility. I agree that there can be some strange, arbitrary notion of “Mr. Right” among women, but choosing to date “less than virtuous women” is a sin that needs to be taken ownership of by the men who do this, rather than blamed on women.

    • Whoa, able34bravo, I’m having a real hard time swallowing your reasons for having turned to non christian women, or possibly even ‘less than virtuous’ women. Let’s take responsibility for our own decisions now…blaming all these starry eyed young christian women you claim refused to have anything to do with you just sounds sad, sad, sad. I see it more likely they steered clear of you because this victim mentality was already well evident.

  36. Wow, I just came upon this randomly, and it was such an encouragement to me today. I could feel Holy Spirit in me as I read along. I was taught purity and the importance of waiting for my future wife as two inseparable things; purity is important because it enables me to save myself for my future wife. But there has to be more to purity than that, and I deeply appreciate your wisdom on this issue.

    Whenever the prime motivation of some course of action is in attaining something that we may or may not receive, there will come a point where we will starve for so long that we give up. But as long as the reward is guaranteed, I think many people will find a way to stay motivated. The only problem is no one is guaranteed a marriage, and I’ve heard a lot of well-intentioned encouragement telling me otherwise, though I haven’t a clue what biblical basis they have for it.

    Growing in Jesus has to be the reason for purity. It’s the only reward that’s guaranteed, and it’s so much more valuable. Thanks for the article.

  37. I agree with you, but my “True Love Waits” ring has a different meaning for me. I never did a ‘pledge’ at church or anything, I just chose to wear one. For me, ‘waiting’ means more than waiting for marriage to have sex (which I am doing), or even waiting for a husband (which I am not). I am waiting for God’s will for me, whatever that is. When I hear the phrase “True Love Waits”, I am reminded that God IS True Love, and that I am waiting for HIM. I am waiting for Him to reveal Himself to me, and the plan that He has for me. He will reveal it in His own time and in the right way, because He knows my heart and knows what is best for me. And ‘True Love’ also waits for ME. He waits for me to come to Him, and to love Him.

  38. Wow! That was a tremendously, authentically written article. Jesus is the answer to everything – as cliche as that sounds. Great words!

  39. This is great. We have sold too many people (not just young girls) on a lie that serving Jesus will reward you with stuff that we want. That is bad theology. If you visit a few faithful friends in the developing world then you will easily see that really faithful people sometimes end up hurt, lonely, hungry, etc. Thanks for challenging that mentality with the Good News that Jesus is enough even when we don’t feel like it. That isn’t one more simple answer that presumes that the path will be easy. It’s a recognition that God’s Goodness will persist even when it doesn’t seem all that great.

  40. I came to a realization there was a God when I was younger probably around 17, I had almost died and when I managed to get myself back together, i went on a search for the truth. It took me a long while to ever learn there must be something to Jesus, I had a problem believing in something or someone i would never see and neither knew if he existed without any inward or outward sign of his existence. I finally came to that truth which I sought to find out there was a lot I did not know and a lot that Christians were not telling people. I began to pray and every night I would pray and read my Bible, after weeks maybe even a few months like this, I had a divine encounter with God in my bedroom in the early morning hours. It was still very dark, and early but i had done my usual came home read my Bible and pray and eventually fall asleep. I had a very strange dream and awoke to a very real vision right beside me. It was a very large book with beaming light on a certain area of it instantly, I knew what it was and what it said, but to this day I could not tell you. It kinda scared me a bit and I closed my eyes as a deep presence of God over shadowed me and a feeling of love words in this world could never describe. I know we all say I love you, but this was the word in feeling intensified by thousands of times. That morning that happened to me when the presence of God lifted and I finally got the nerve to peek out of my covers and look, I jumped up and went for the bathroom and did not come back to my room for some time. I also after that did not pray anymore for quite some time and if that sounds crazy to you please realize you had to be in my shoes to experience this and understand it. I can tell you Jesus finally got me and the experiences I had in him were so deep and moving. I said all this to tell you that I fully believe that God has created someone for you. I have learned that God is no respecter of persons,and what he does for one he will do for another. If he gave Adam a wife,and he gave Abraham a wife, and even the promise of a son in his old age and came through can he not also do the same for you? I realize many of you may want to argue this which I will not, but I can tell you from my own experience, that it is much better to wait upon the Lord then it is to go fill the desires of your heart. To be honest no man or woman will ever satisfy you the way that your relationship with God does. I would like to add when I say wait on the Lord, you should still follow the promptings of God in your life if you feel led of God to go here or go there as long as you truly know the leading of God, by all means obey. I am going to flip you what I call a double sided coin a message with two sides. I will tell you there is the will of God for your life and the submissive will of God for your life, If you choose to go on and meet a man or woman and pray over it and God tells you no don’t Marry them. It would be better for you to accept God at his no, then to go on and ignore what God has spoken to you. I had to learn this the hard way, i received a no from God, and did it anyway, and wrong relationship almost destroyed my life. I can never tell you how much I wish I had listened to what I knew the Lord had said to me. I will say this no matter what any man or woman says you obey the voice of the Lord in your life, he will not lead you wrong. I have learned to listen to no man or woman but to only listen to what I hear the Lord speak to me. There is a lot more to this story I wish I felt lead to share it all here, but this was on a particular subject so I don’t want to get off course. To those of you who are waiting I can tell you this, your in good company many of us are doing just that, we are waiting.

  41. I read this article about 7 months ago and although I thought it was good, I still just didn’t get it. Until I read it again now. The week after God clearly spoke to me about his view of marriage. I’m 23 and in my small town marriage and family is the “be all and end all” in life. That’s the life goal. If you don’t get married people are either constantly trying to set you up or feel bad that you’ll be alone forever. Last week God clearly put on my heart that although marriage can be good (it WAS designed by him) it was never meant to be the “be all and end all” in anyone’s life. Christ was, is, and ALWAYS will be meant for that. If God blesses someone with marriage he wants that marriage to see him as it’s “be all and end all” just like any single person.
    So thank you for this article again. I’m glad a friend posted it now so I could read it when I truly understand what it means.

  42. Hi, I really appreciate you sharing this. What you said is how I always felt, that Jesus should be our everything. I would like to tell you about myself if I may. I grew up in the church and accepted Jesus as my savior at the young age of 5. I have always known Him and always loved Him. I grew up with a strong foundation in children’s church learning all about God and reading my Bible. Eventually I was old enough to join our youth group, and I loved going there. We had a wonderful youth pastor and I was very involved. We went to several youth conferences in the Detroit Metro Area. During one of them we were introduced to the idea of TLW. My mom bought be a purity ring and I vowed to stay pure. Other than that conversation, the subject of sex was never broached again. I wrote a list of all the things I wanted in a man. But all of these things created in me a deep longing for more, a void that as a young child I previously had filled with Jesus. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough or there was something wrong with me if I didn’t have that man I was waiting for in my life. I feel like the day I made that list of what I wanted in a man and started “expecting” for Mr. Right to be sent to my doorstep is the day my troubles began. I don’t say that to blame anyone just that this is how I felt.

    When I was 17 I finally had my first real boyfriend. He was also a member of my youth group and since I had known him all of my life I thought he must be the one. I felt so blessed that I finally at he old age of 17 knew who I was going to marry (really there were a few kids in my youth group who had just been married at 19, so I expected that to happen to me as well). I was so excited to have him as part of my life, I largely neglected the relationship I already had. The most important relationship in my life. The only relationship that really matters. Sure, I was still a Christian. I still tried my best to follow God’s plan, wwjd and all, you know? However as I got more involved with my boyfriend, the fleshly lust that gripped both of us was becoming too strong to overcome. I really wish I would have been able to be stronger, but the thing is I was trying to do it in my own strength, not in God’s strength. I prayed about it and God actually made a way out for me. The next day after I prayed my father told me that his job was moving our family half way across the country. I only had a few months left before the school year was over and we would leave for good. I would take my senior year of High School 1500 miles from everything I knew.

    I didn’t know how to feel about that. I knew God had answered my prayer but I didn’t expect that it would be something so drastic. I was shocked to say the least and yet deep inside I was relieved that God had made a way out for me. When I told my boyfriend we cried together, embraced and decided not to break up but to stay together until I left. Part of me wanted nothing more that to serve the Lord and get out of there while the getting was good, but the other part of me just wanted to stay there in my boyfriend’s arms and forget about everything else. I remember feeling secure in his arms. I remember how real it felt to have him just hug me. Long story short, I kept my virginity “intact” until the night before we moved. That night I decided that this boy deserved to have that very special prized possession of mine that I could only ever give to one person. I somehow thought that this would keep us together even over the distance. Of course, I really truly loved him. Another thing I’ve been good at most of my life is unconditional love. However, I find I end up getting hurt easily because that unconditional love is easy for others to trample on.

    The thing is, after we did it, I immediately felt ashamed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough anymore. I had failed the ultimate test. I think I know a bit of what Eve felt like in the garden after she sinned. Then after we moved, I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest and was a million miles away. It was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. The even more painful thing was that not only had I given away my own virginity. I had taken his too. I awakened something in him that caused him to just need more of the flesh and drove him far away from God. While I clung to my faith to help me through this, he completely threw it out the window. Now I realize that if it hadn’t been with me, it probably would have been with someone else with him, however I still feel guilty for taking his purity. I wasn’t mine to take. I listened to the lies of our enemy, I deceived myself and rationalized why it was ok. After that day though, both of us were changed and not for the better. I never even tried to go back to him because I could not handle the thought that he’d been with other women and had turned away from God.

    It is almost 15 years later now and I still wish I had done things differently back when I was 17. I can say at least that I do learn from my mistakes, but oh how I wish I had known then what I know now. Anyway, I ended up letting myself feel so tainted from that one time before I moved that the next time someone talked me into sleeping with them I decided I needed to marry him. Well he was not even a Christian and to this day I do not know what I was thinking other than now I had slept with two people and no one would ever want me after that. So I married him on a whim, had several children and after 6 1/2 years of emotional and mental abuse from him could no longer feel anything. He cheated on me quite a few times, he told me I was fat and ugly (I am neither), drove like a maniac when he was upset with me. The list goes on. Again I tried to do what God wanted. I tried in my own strength to still love, to be understanding and caring or to know what I was supposed to do. But ultimately I saw just how weak I was when I ended up cheating on my husband just so I could feel like I was alive again. When he found out about it he literally tried to kill me. If he had known where his gun was at the time I might not be here today. Ironically, the day he tried to kill me was the birthday of my high school boyfriend.

    Losing my virginity at 17 and getting married when I was 20 to someone I barely knew are the two biggest mistakes of my life. I made both of these mistakes due to following my own desires and giving into lust. The marriage was largely because of the guilt I felt about failing to remain pure. If there had been someone to tell me what you wrote in your blog back before all of this happened, it may have saved me some major heartache. Going through all of this has made me into a better person with a deeper understanding of God and understanding of myself. Despite what I have learned, I wish I had understood more clearly what the Apostle Paul wrote when he said that marriage is good but to remain celibate is even better. I admire you for remaining pure, something that I was not able to do myself. I thank you for your blog because I will be reading it to my almost 11 year old daughter. Hopefully it will keep her from making mistakes similar to the ones I have made and I hope my story maybe helped someone as well. Moral of the story is put God first and all will fall into place. In His perfect timing for His perfect will. Not my will but His be done ♥

  43. I LOVE this post. Thank you so much for it! I myself am married, but I have friends still stuck in that ‘waiting’ mindset.. hopefully now when the subject comes up I can better ‘give them advice’, but basically just tell them the truth. I wish every girl would read this!

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