I don’t wait anymore.

When I was 16, I got a purity ring.

And when I was 25, I took it off.

I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band.

“True Love Waits.” Waits.

What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?

*****

I had my reasons for deciding not to wear it anymore. Other people might have other reasons. It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services.

But there’s something bigger behind it than that.

Much bigger.

There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait.

And wait they did.

*****

And waited and waited and waited.

Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.

And still they wait.

More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”

And the girls see it posted on their bulletin boards from time to time.

“You’re right, God,” they say. “We’re not satisfied in you yet. We will put you first and then you can bring us a husband in your timing.”

But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.

If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.

So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?

Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.

A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior.

*****

I had that poem on my bulletin board all through high school – the one where “God” was telling me to fall in love with Him first and then I would be able to fall in love with a husband later.

Who wrote that poem anyway?

Pretty sure it wasn’t God.

When Jesus was here on the earth, the crowds would follow Him because they saw He gave good things. But that’s not what He wanted. He wanted their hearts for Himself. So He would turn to them and say things like, “If you don’t love Me so much that every other relationship in your life looks like hate by comparison, you can’t follow Me.” (Matthew 10:34-39, paraphrase)

That sounds a lot different from the poem.

Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself.

What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.

If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.

If I’d had on my bulletin board, “Fall in love with Jesus.” That’s it. Bottom line. That’s everything you need to know, to work toward, to put your hope in.

If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.

If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.

If we as believers make that our message, things could be drastically different for a lot of girls wondering why the God they think they learned to follow doesn’t compute. It doesn’t necessarily stop the desire for a husband or end all feelings of loneliness, but it does show a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our singleness rather than a God who categorically denies some who pray for husbands while seemingly giving freely to others.

It shows that while marriage is good, He is the greater goal.

*****

Don’t think I’ve done this perfectly.

I’d be deceiving you if you thought that. I’ve had relationships where I made major mistakes. I’ve gone through angst-ridden phases where I met with friends to plead together with God to bring us husbands. I’ve planned major life decisions around possibilities.

I lived like I was waiting for something.

And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.

I already have Him … and He is everything.

“Follow Christ for His own sake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle

i dont wait anymore

(I Don’t Wait Anymore (the book), now available.)

1,768 Comments on “I don’t wait anymore.

  1. I really do wish that God will bless me with a good woman to share my life with, and it is no fun being Alone and having no one.

  2. This was an on time reading for me. I got the book Lady in Waiting for.Christmas. At 28, I often wonder why am I really waiting..Great article.

  3. I’m 30 in the summer, and have been single for nine years now. For the past three years or so I’ve grown closer to God, and now relationships just seem terrifying to me. What if I never meet anyone? What if I fall for someone who isn’t a Christian? What if I fall for someone who isn’t God’s chosen person for me? What if I meet someone and it’s too late for me to have children?

    I really want to fall in love, get married, and have children.
    But it’s like a minefield. People tell me not to trust my feelings, and that emotions will lead my astray. But surely feelings and emotions are basically what helps you to know that you’re falling in love?

    Is it a case of just picking someone who is a good Christian guy, even though there are no feelings or emotions, and going, “Yeah, I’ll decide to fall in love with him.” or worse, what if we feel God is guiding us towards someone we don’t really want to be with?

    How do you even approach guys? You can’t just blurt out, “So, what religion are you?” or “So, do you believe in God?” when you’ve just met.

    There’s so much that scares me about being in love.

    Sometimes I just feel it’s ‘safer’ to be single. Then I can’t make any mistakes. :(

    • Your comment spoke to me, so I wanted to offer some answers that I have developed to your questions based off my personal experience. I am in pretty much the same situation as you–I am 30 and have been single for about 9 years. I want to get married and possibly have children, and I am a “good” Christian woman. My relationship with God grown and deepened in the past 5 years.

      I think the solution is not to shut off your emotions. Trust yourself. Just because someone is not Christian or you don’t know that they are believers doesn’t mean they are bad people or that they are not “worthy” of attention or love. God made us all in His image and He loves each of us despite our faults.

      Getting to know someone is what dating is all about. It is not a contract for marriage. You can talk to people and ask them questions without feeling like you are prying or being too forward. That is what the function of dating is.

      Don’t let fear rule your life. That is the opposite of having faith. Trust yourself and the Lord. Making mistakes is a part of being human, but I have found it is never a mistake to love the people around me.

      Don’t be scared of love–embrace it.

    • Claire,
      I struggle with the same thing. The process of relationships terrifies me. But I’ve been learning recently that taking those risks is a sign of trust in Him. He will guard your heart and get you through any heartbreak if you seek to be satisfied in Him fully. And is sounds like in your singleness you have discovered that too, but I think a lot of the time we can hide in comfort when God may be waiting for you to walk through a new door. With Him on our side, we have nothing to lose (that is, so long as our choices are in obedience, otherwise we only hurt ourselves. Thanks be to Him who loves us despite that!)
      On the other hand, I am also in a situation where I’ve been presented with a really amazing Christian guy, and I just don’t feel it. I’ve realized in this experience that even though this seems like the ideal opportunity, it’s just not the right timing for my heart and I can’t force feelings I don’t have, nor can I force God’s will. I’ve had to recognize that not taking this opportunity may very well be the best decision for my relationship with God, and that even though I don’t take the opportunity, I haven’t lost anything, for we are all victors in Christ.
      As far as approaching guys, don’t stress about it :) If God is leading you to someone, it will be clear, and you won’t have to force it. The religion topic always comes up within the first couple of dates in my experience, though I have had to bring it up. And if I discover that the guy isn’t a Christian, he’s clearly not going to lead me toward Christ. Even if he is, that doesn’t mean he’s a shoe-in either, as I’ve learned. Sometimes you have to risk growing closer to someone for a time to see how they affect you spiritually. A man should point you toward Christ in all his actions (that’s not to say he should be perfect). He shouldn’t be a distraction, but a helper, and should pursue you in a way that reflects Christ’s pursuit of you. I hope this helps!!!

  4. You have no idea of how much you’ve helped me! God bless you! THANK you!!!

  5. Love this. I remember reading in Eric and Leslie Ludy’s book, “When God Writes Your Love Story,” that as humans, our longing for our future spouse should be nothing in comparison to our longing for our Savior. When He returns as a bridegroom to take us home, it’s Him we will be married to. But it’s important to remember that not everyone is blessed with marriage. Paul never married. When we’re completely in love with and longing for Jesus, though, that won’t even matter.
    Of course, this is all easier said than done. Still, something to strive toward.

  6. I used to be a very devout Christian, and I had a similar poem on my wall. I waited. Then, a few years ago, I got tired of waiting, chucked the poem in the garbage, left Christianity, stopped pretending to be something I am not, and now I have a wonderful girlfriend am much, much happier. Problem solved.

    • Sarah,
      I’m sorry to read that you felt you were pretending to be something that you were not – I’ve been there. But leaving Christ in the process is really sad. (Although I understand that you feel much happier.)
      I followed a different road, and Christ led me to a significant change in my same-sex attractions. Followed by more years of “waiting” for a significant other. But falling in love with Jesus has carried me through to this day.
      I appreciated this post and the encouragement not to put the cart before the horse. And, Sarah, I’d like to encourage you to take a another look at Jesus – you might find that He’s different than you think.

  7. I did wait, and was married. She was not faithful and the marriage ended. I’ve done my best to wait again. It is good to know that I am not the only one who hurt here. I long for love in my life that is true. I feel that I have a lot of love to give, but no idea what to do with it. I do my best to share. I am sure you all understand.

    Life is hard. Darn it. ;)

  8. It wasn’t until I was at the age of 32 when I told the Lord Jesus, “well, if you want me to be single my whole life, then I will be. Just help me to do it.” I then felt a total relief and a month later, when I was happy and content in my bachelor hood..I met my wife. His grace is sufficient.

    • Derrick that’s a lovely blessing to you…but posting the story here is perpetuating the unhelpful idea that being content is not really about being content but is still a means to an end.

  9. This is not unique to females. There might not be church pressure, but the idea of waiting is hard none the less. I am reminded of a quote from cs Lewis it was something like “you cannot make god a means to an end, he must be an end. If you are approaching him as a road are not really approaching him at all.”

  10. Amen! I’m thankful that I met Christ at the age of 4; that I’ve even since middle school that Christ is my everything and One True Love; that I’ve known since high school (even before reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”) that I wouldn’t kiss my husband until being pronounced husband and wife because he’s worth showing the world that kisses do still mean something and aren’t just thrown around on anybody; that the Holy Spirit has shown me that even though my future husband will never compare to my King Jesus, I should, and can, still treat him like a king; and that although I desire to get married, if it’s not God’s plan for me, it will be okay, because I have Christ–and He is all I need. In addition, I’ve also known for quite a while that I may not be the reason, nor may my future husband be, why God hasn’t introduced us to each other or hasn’t given us the “green light” to get married. Since I’ve given Him permission to arrange my marriage, and I know He knows the bigger picture, I know He knows the best time and place for me to “get hitched” in order to bring the most glory to Him. It’s not about me, the future bride. Just like it’s not about me as Christ’s Bride. It’s all about Christ…and I want every aspect of my marriage to point to Christ.

    And I’m 31.

    And I will continue to wait to get married. And I haven’t waited, and won’t wait, to continue to serve Christ and know Him as my Father, Savior, Best Friend, One True Love, King, Lord. I haven’t waited, and won’t wait, to live–and to love.

  11. Well there are certainly many of us good men out there still hoping to meet a good woman to share our life with, and still we find ourselves all alone for the Holidays. And i know that there are many real good women hoping to find a good man in their life as well. Loneliness really stinks, Doesn’t It?

    • I hear ya! I had many single holidays, some were better than others. Loneliness would come and go and when it fled I never knew when it would come back. If I can offer you any encouragement–Keep God as your end, as in your everything. I think someone mentioned it above, but it is true. God bless you.

      • Well as you can see how women have certainly changed over the years, and not for the good at all since they’re so very hard to communicate with. Women were much more better educated years ago and much easier to meet as well with the help of many family and friends too, and i am getting so very sick and tired of going out all the time by myself and i can’t seem to be at the right place at the right time trying to find a good one since they’re so very stuck up today. Well thank you so very much for your support, and have a good holiday.

  12. From someone who waited for marriage, praying for God’s best and married a Christian man (who turned out to be verbally and physically abusive), marriage is over rated. I love what you said about falling in love with Jesus, it spoke to me.

    • I’ve never been married, but I really don’t think that marriage itself is overrated. After all, God did create it to give us companionship and children. In fact, I think it is underrated based on the simple fact that so many marriages these days are not taken seriously and by no means end up the way God intended them to be.

      What I *do* think is overrated is classifying people as “single”, “in a relationship”, etc. and making that the only thing we talk about. That and living with the mindset that because everyone else seems to be getting married means that you have to, too. Or that something is wrong with you. I’ve seen so many truly amazing people stay single into their 30s, and it’s clearly God’s plan for them because they can focus on things that further His work and word.

  13. I loved this article and the follow up responses.

    There seems to be a “bargain” type attitude in faith these days; “I believe and do for You and You make all my wants come true.” And truthfully, it is difficult not to think like that on more than this issue. Money, success, advancement, relationships… It’s all up for negotiation. And I would agree, it’s pushing the wrong message.

    But I can also say that although its the milk of faith, it is also a “gateway” milk. See I came to know Christ through a TV preacher who promises good things (I believe he refers to it as “favor”) but God used those words to enter my heart, raise my bar, and eventually start in with the “meat” if faith.

    We all need to start on milk, but it is the church’s and the individual responsibility to seek the meat.

  14. Good for you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in this regard. My prayer for the single women out there is that they would seek God with all of their hearts. I walked that road of singleness for many years. I experienced loneliness on both sides of the equation… as a single women and as a married women. I say that so that you may understand that loneliness is something only God can truly fill. That said, I also commited to staying pure until I was married (it finally happened at age 33). God blessed me with a husband who also stayed pure (this is truly a miracle in this culture).

    It is my prayer that this may encourage someone’s heart.

    • This is lovely Kairn and so very true. I hear what you’re saying and can say amen. I was married at 26 have been married nearly 30 years. It was lonely before I was married but I have often been very lonely in my marriage. That is worse, I think. Then the loneliness feels like rejection, too. I have learned that, if I had to choose only one, my relationship with God would be my choice. He has filled me with joy even in the hard times…not that I don’t cry. He lifts me from death to life. From loneliness and despair to contentment and peace. He is truly all I need. The other relationships in my life are awesome when they are happening but being married will not and has not ever filled my greatest need…to be loved by and to love God. I pray that all those reading will be blessed with that kind of relationship with Him. There is no other like it!

  15. This is so good Toby even for old singles like myself. I think I stopped waiting for the Lord to bring me a husband quite a few years ago. He (Jesus), taught me to meditate on Psalms 23:1, The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. I still have my moments when I wonder why He has kept me single for so long but then in my heart of hearts I know that my life is not my own, and He being my great shepherd knows what is best for me.

  16. Wow! it’s amazing how one expression of a struggle can generate so many responses! I don’t think this was meant to be picked apart, but to simply express what a lot of single women feel. I could have written this comment myself, probably not as eloquently however. You expressed yourself beautifully and thank you for letting other single Christian women know that they are not alone. I’ve been walking this journey as well and believe that God knows what’s needed and at the end of the day what we really desire is to follow Him…….regardless of our marital status….or any other situation this world has to offer. Well done! Vickie.

  17. So despite being a Christian bloke in my mid 20’s this is why I don’t date Christian girls often. They are unstable and messed up emotionally from years in Church. They assume you immediately want to make marriage plans (the last date I went on with a Christian she said she wanted to be married in the next 18months during the starter). I’ll stick to the ones who have their head screwed on for now.

    • No we don’t all assume that you want to be married right away, but we do assume that your intentions for us are pure and that you are mostly attracted to our heart for Jesus our Lord. We are not “unstable and messed up emotionally” we just, like i’m sure you have often, put our hope and faith in something besides the savior and came up empty. I am glad you don’t pursue Christian woman, because it doesn’t sound like you are ready to be the man of god they are desiring.

    • If you are truly a Christian and “confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead” (Romans 10:9) you would only date Christian woman. 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 says “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said.” Dating a non-believer is something you should not partake in. You should be looking for a Christian woman who is focused on Christ just as you claim to be, where you “two can become one flesh in marriage” (Mark 10:8). Rachael makes a great point below. Stemming off of that, you too have your emotional issues and are in sin. None of us are perfect. Don’t try to find the perfect woman. Become the perfect man for your woman. Humble yourself like Jesus does for all of us. I have found an incredible woman who grew up in the Church. It’s possible.

      • The “do not be bound by unbelievers”, I believe, was intended so they won’t cause us to sway by being in bad company, with people who are sinful, law breaking, evil intentioned, because we might fall down too. The saint also recommended in 1 Cor 7 that Christians who are married to unbelievers should not divorce them, “for the unbelieving husband is made holy by his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy.” He adds that we do not know whether or not we’ll save someone, but God still calls us to have peace. It’s not easy to be married to an unbeliever or someone who isn’t on the same wavelength spiritually, but sometimes, you can grow from each others’ strengths. I dated someone who thought it was odd that someone who seemed to have so much faith (me!) could be so terrified of flying on planes; whereas he, a holiday only churchgoer, was fine going anywhere. He trusted that he would be alright. Also, Jesus challenged a tax collector, prostitute, etc. to stop what they were doing and follow Him. He ate at a sinner’s table, with his family, in his house. We have to be careful not to fall, but it’s good to forgive and see good in people. They can change. And sometimes, in some ways, they have more faith than we have. We should hold on tight to what we know is right, but be humble enough to let ourselves see the good in one other. After all, God made them and loves them too. And he isn’t done with us yet! :-)

    • You just found the wrong Christian Girl. Don’t get ahead of yourself and become unequally yoked. I have walked that path 48 years and although we have a good marriage it could have been so much better with Jesus in the center of it.

  18. Lindsay
    Just because you want or desire a Husband Does Not By any means, mean that yoju want someone to take care of you.. I’m pretty sure it involves God for one and just want a spouse and someone to love etc…
    GraceForTheRoad Thank you I took a lot froim your blog.

  19. What I don’t understand is why the desire for a husband is so strong. I understand pursuing God to reach personal fulfillment. But why does a husband have to be included in that package? Can’t women be happy on their own? Can’t women find happiness in their friends? Can’t women find pleasure in helping their community? Why does being a subservient woman to her husband’s needs and desires have to be the ultimate goal for a woman? That last line, “[I] didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here,” was the best thing about this blog. It’s sad that the author’s purpose is still to find a husband in the end, but the statement itself was quite nice. Women should never worry about finding someone to take care of them when they are perfectly capable of doing it on their own. We need to take care of ourselves. We need to teach our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and cousins that it’s perfectly acceptable to be single.

    • Hi, Lindsay. The idea that my “purpose is still to find a husband in the end” isn’t the message I meant to convey or the way I feel … I hoped the last line was the message that would come through. Christ is everything, and it’s His purposes that will prevail in my life. Pursuing Him is a fabulous thing to teach to the younger women around us. Thanks for the note!

      • I got that. You made your point well. It is also perfectly natural and within God’s design for a woman to want a husband. There is nothing wrong with that. The Bible says that her “desire” will be toward him. God designed a woman to want a man to shelter, protect, love and nurture her, with great care for her as she simply has a weaker vessel.

        The Bible also makes quite clear in 1 Cor 7 that it IS better to stay single. However, the point is obviously to live for Christ, and to do it for him. Not to feel okay. Jesus Christ DID call us all to suffer for him. I don’t see where he ever said to “wait” though. The way he says it is incredible. He says that if I stay unmarried, I will care for the things of the Lord, how I may please him; however, if I marry I will care for the things of the world, how I may please my wife. And it repeats it for the wife, stating the exact same thing.

        Note: you may not arrive upon the same conclusions from the scripture I reference, if you use anything but the King James Bible. That’s not my fault, nor is it God’s. A Believing woman needs to recon with that “hidden man of the heart”. She can then realize that she does have everything she needs between Jesus Christ and herself.

        Personally, I still want to be married.

        • Jesse,
          I truly appreciate your heart for looking at more than one perspective on an issue. I agree with you that it can be God’s plan for a specific woman to get married, and that plan be carried out through the desire for a husband.

          However there are two common misconceptions that you seem to have followed in your arguments. The first is that 1 Corinthians 7 was written to all Christian women. The fact is that the author, Paul, was writing to a church in Corinth in about AD 55. Paul had previously spent quite some time with these believers and the letter was written after he left, and in response to some issues that they were dealing with. One of these issues has to do with sex. The larger context here is that the city of Corinth was known for sexual immorality and prostitution. This setting gave the new Christians uneasiness with anything to do with sex, even in marriage. that Paul is answering questions from the church (7:1).The statement here that is being addressed is this: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” (KJV) Paul answers by first addressing married life, moving to social status, then ending with a discussion on the unmarried. Your conclusion was most likely based off of verse 8 and verses 26 to 40. Keeping in mind that Paul was not married (and didn’t seem to mind in the least), the point of these specific passages seems to be that marriage = bad and singleness = good. But when you look at other stories and people in the Bible, including the Apostle Peter, this doesn’t make sense. You must look deeper than just that. Paul’s main reasons for singleness in this passage come up in three parts.
          1) Singleness is a gift from God
          2) It is wise in times of crisis
          3) It gives one the ability to focus on God without obligation
          We see here that singleness isn’t a command, or even the ideal in most cases. The point Paul is making is that sex isn’t bad within marriage, and it also shouldn’t be the focus. The focus should be on Jesus in whatever plan God has for us- which is this bloggers main thesis.

          The second misconception involves the King James Version of the Bible. I get the sense that you grew up in a KJV-only church. I simply want to challenge you to research the origins of the KJV (specifically who wrote it and why). I would also challenge you to look at why other versions, including the ESV and the NIV, were written. Finally, I would challenge you to keep in mind the word “version.” If you hold to KJV simply because it is the most accurate Bible, I would have to say you need to learn Hebrew and Greek in order to truly read the Bible with the original words.

          I definitely agree with you in the fact that Jesus is all that any person needs. However, I also know that there is a larger plan, and that God also created us to experience joy.

          I want to let you know that I love you, brother, and I pray that you will read these words in the heart of understanding, as my purpose in no way is to offend or to attack.

        • Jesus didn’t say that in Corinthians, St. Paul did, though he did it in good faith and wisdom. :) He says some things from his own humble, wise conscience, while other parts of the chapter are his quotes from what Jesus commands. All are great helps though to enter into good mind sets. I love St. Paul’s letters! And of course, what Jesus says too! :-)

          • It shouldn’t matter if Paul is quoting Jesus, since the whole bible, including Paul’s words here, is the inspired word of God. Paul makes special note in a few places that some detail is from him, not from God, the implication being that everything else he says is inspired by God, not just from his conscience or wisdom.

    • You speak truth in saying or maybe hoping that young women would want to be self-fulfilled, but it’s a dream. Most women, religious or not, hope for someone to go through daily life with someone-a husband- step by step. And while, widely, marriage has become more a farce than anything, thoe who pray for and hope for a desire a husband (hopefully) truly understand what marriage is supposed to be, which is why they want it and are so dismayed when it fails to arrive. These suggestions you made about a woman being happy on her own are not much more than nice ideas. I feel that in a Christian life, especially wherein this kind of dedication is involved, a husband is not so much a wish as much as a spiritual fulfillment, and the author is right: many women find themselves begrudging their Lord because He hasn’t allowed for that fulfillment. if you do not understand, then you wouldn’t understand. Life is hard, as I am sure you are aware. And a spiritual partner and moral supporter- a husband- is, in itself, a sort of spiritual satisfaction.

      • Thank you for such an honest comment, that yes most of us want someone to go through daily life with. Yes we were designed to desire a husband. There is a comfort there. The bible also says it is better to marry than to burn. So I think God knows about the strong desires he has put in us. I do agree not everyone is to marry but for those of us who would like I am not sure waiting 10 15 20 years where we left behind our childbearing years is the answer. I am not saying be unevenly yolked nor am I saying marry in haste.

        However marriage is a journey not necessarily 2 people perfect for each other fall in love and marry. Marriage is learning about compromise, learning to live with another person’s irritating ways and sticking to the marriage, learning to forgive when hurt, pursuing life as a couple while also still growing as individuals, a great christian marriage would involve praying together etc

        Therefore may some of us waited too long waiting for Mr
        Christian Perfect. guy when there is no such thing. Christian husbands are people too with all the flaws and shortcomings of any other man or woman. We should look for Christian men but dont expect perfect

    • In Genesis when God made Even for Adam, He said it is not good for man to be alone. Women and Men generally need each other…not just women needing men. I also didn’t feel that the author was saying she was still waiting…in fact that seems to be the opposite of what she said. I love her perspective. Its a perfect answer to a disheartened bunch of women who’ve been waiting for their husbands to arrive.

    • Lindsay, why is it that you feel like the relationship between a husband and a wife is one of dominance and subservience?

    • When we look at society it teaches us from a young age that a family is the ultimate goal. That may seem old fashioned but believe me it is still there. Also, churches focus on families a lot leaving singles feeling left out. Friends get married and move on and if you are the only one without a husband then you are left alone. It’s not that these women are not satisfied with themselves or by themselves it’s that marriage and relationships are things that we expect to have when we get older because society tells us that. If we don’t achieve it we feel as if there is something wrong.

    • Lindsay….whoever taught you that being a wife equates to “being a subservient woman to her husband’s needs and desires”? That is a completely skewed idea to teach our daughters. God teaches that husbands and wives are equal in a marriage. They are to serve one other in love, each putting the other first. In fact, the husband has the hardest command – to love his wife AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. In other words…to give up his life for his wife. HE is instructed to take care of his wife’s needs.

      Another wrong message is that in desiring marriage we are worrying “about finding someone to take care of” us. We are NOT capable of doing it on our own, however, neither can a husband do it. It’s God who takes care of us. That’s the message we need to pass on to our daughters. It’s perfectly acceptable to be single, because God has a plan for our lives and HE will take care of us.

    • You are an independent woman of the 20th century and honestly putting your self in the category with the men. I’m not sure why but I feel like someone has hurt you in the past and this is your attitude from then on. I can’t say I’m the most feminine lady out there or a house wife sort of speak. When I say I want a husband it’s not so I can depend on him or so I can take care of him. I truly want a companion to spend most of my life with and hopefully the rest of my life. Friends do not fill the void, they have their own lives, helping the community is great but it just a distraction from the loneliness your trying to avoid. A husband is one that will share your dreams and your passions with you. I am planning to travel the world and just like you I don’t want to be dependent on a man. However that’s foolish and childish talk. I still want a companion in life. I don’t want to travel the world and have no one to share the joys and excitements with. Just saying look around you and truly try to spot women that are still feminine and still ask guys for help on anything. There are few and far between. What’s wrong with asking a guy for help, half the time it’s faster then trying to google it to see how to do it your self. I will stop on that note because you get the raft draft of what I’m talking about

  20. How are young women supposed to learn to fall in love with Christ and be happy serving Him, with or without a husband, when so many church cultures pretty much teach them from birth that their purpose in life is to find a good husband, and their only worth lies in their potential to be good wives and mothers? There wouldn’t be so many single 20- and 30-somethings unhappy with the church (and with God) if the church didn’t overlook them and/or treat them like incomplete persons. Notice I said THE CHURCH treats them that way–not God. I’m not saying that every single church out there sends this message to women, but it’s pretty common. That was certainly the culture in the church/Christian school where I grew up. Lucky for me, my parents raised me to know better. They taught me that I have value in and of myself: I don’t need a man to validate my existence. So I learned to like myself on my own terms–for WHO I AM–not for whose wife or mother I may be someday. Maybe a husband is in my future. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter, though. I’m happy with myself, my life, and my relationship with God either way.

  21. While I agree with this post for the most part, and can understand the responses, I think that this completely ignores some of the major holes in the “Church logic” behind the True Love Waits concept. True Love DOES Wait – It waits for YOU, and yes, true love is better if you wait for sex. Having said that, the message that most people are receiving, whether it is the intention of the person giving the message, is that Godliness means being inactive. The message “we” (I say we although I am married with children) hear is that waiting on God means being stagnant and inactive, that waiting means we don’t get to live, that waiting means doing as little as possible while we pine for set in stone revelations that tell us exactly where to go and what to do and who to do it with. That’s the logic that causes our young people to falter and stray in the first place – what normal human being would feel satisfied with their life when their peers are going to college and pursuing careers, having casual fun with their friends and experiencing the world around them? I am by no means suggesting that we should teach our children that SEX is ok before marriage, or that experimentation with parties and drinking and drugs is “no big deal.” What I am saying is that we need to teach them that having fun apart from church-organized activities is good and acceptable. An example that comes to mind is this – little kids who grow up in the church have a very twisted view of their bodies. They feel that their body is innately sinful, all by itself, that their genitals are always and forever dirty no matter how much you clean them, even if you’re a virgin, and that sex (sometimes even when your married) is a secret and shameful act that should never be talked about. Thus, if our young people feel this is too extreme, which it is, they only have the world’s view of these things to fall back on. We’re not providing them with the truth, so they have no ammunition to fight off the world’s lewd behavior. We give them only extremes to pick from, not the reality, which is that it’s RIGHT to be active and pursue your life, do we honestly want our children to believe that God wants them to “just sit there” and let life fall into their lap? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that really laziness? Aren’t we teaching them to feel superior and entitled? I’ve had to work, and work hard, for everything I have. I have given God the glory for it, because it WAS He who provided for those blessings, but I didn’t just pray and beg for them, I went out and lived. I worked. I had friends. I had fun. And yes, I dated and I found the right man. I also knew when I’d found the WRONG men. Perhaps if we taught our sons and daughters that dating is normal and ok, they WOULD be satisfied with holding hands and modest hugs, quiet, short dinner dates and phonecalls. They wouldn’t feel that they have to give up on that to sleep around, because they wouldn’t feel so deprived, so empty and unfulfilled. That’s what I plan to teach my kids, anyway. .

    • I can see some very valid points here, but I don’t think the major issue is with the concept as much as with how the modern church chooses to relay the concept. Everything you have said makes perfect sense once it has been broken down and “predigested” for the listener, but how often in real life do we actually go through with expounding to that degree? True love waits is a good program. Our tendency to rely on shallow clichés in place of serious discussion is not…

    • Dating isn’t found in scripture. At all. Not the ‘I think you’re cute and you think I’m cute, so lets get together and act as though we are married – except for the sex part – and if we don’t like each other after a while, we’ll just say buh-bye and go on to the next person’. Hmmmm. Not in scripture at all.

    • Jasmine, I like your comment for the most part and just wanted to share with you my pastor’s “rules for dating” that I wish I’d followed and plan to teach my children.

      First off, intimacy takes many forms and grows in a healthy relationship, Physical intimacy is best, most honest and most fulfilling when both people wait to share it with their spouse after marriage. To wait until marriage for sex takes a commitment and diligence in personal choices. These rules help make good choices to prevent opportunities for poorer choices.

      Rule #1: Never be alone together. Quite simply there are things that are more likely to happen, especially for the first time if you do not have an audience.

      Rule #2: Never lie down together. Things happen easier if you lie down together than if you remain upright.

      Rule #3: Never touch body parts that are normally covered by a bathing suit or underwear. Really, touching leads to other activities and promises to God and yourself are too easily broken.

      If you follow these three rules, it is pretty hard to fail at a commitment to waiting for marriage to have sex. These three rules also help dating and engaged couples develop emotional, communicative, and spiritual intimacy because the focus is less on the physical. Additionally, the acts of holding hands, hugging, kissing, eye contact, etc. become more meaningful and intimate than if they are skipped over for more immediate gratification.

      I am very happily engaged at 31 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be a wife and mother all my life. Not because I felt a need to be “subserviant” or “fulfilled” by a husband, but because I felt a desire in my heart to have and to be a companion in this life, a partner, a teammate. I also have it in my soul to be a nurturer. Specifically, I have always wanted to be a mother and feel called to care for children, not just my own. I believe that my hearts’ desires were given to me by my Savior not only to direct my life (I am a social worker, specializing in youth and family services) but also preparing me to be of service and the right fit for the right partner, my wonderful fiance, and to be what others might need. I have found that my nurturer instinct makes me especially skilled at caring for children, soothing them, playing with them. Yes, this means I yearn for my own children more strongly than I could describe, but it also means God created me for a purpose with innate skills and desires that He planned to match up in a way only I can deliver. He created me to love in my own way.

      My fiance and I are best friends, very different people but like two puzzle pieces. We were complete and happy Christian adults, fulfilled in our career paths and lives without one another, but when assembled together, our two parts are stronger as a whole than individually. I belive God’s timing is perfect and that He has a plan for all of us. For some, maybe it doesn’t include marriage, or maybe some, including myself previously, veer so far from His plan that it is impossible to find that soulmate He had planned for us as we can be blind to His grace. We have free will and can separate ourselves from Him and cause ourselves to be unprepared for His will in our lives. I say this because I believe I have lived it. My fiance and I went to high school together. We had classes together and NEVER TALKED ONCE! We were even in the Christian club on campus together, in a small town. But I was an athlete and he was in the band and we both were absorbed in our own lives.

      It took ten years for us to become best friends and finally went to our reunion as our first date. When I think of all the time lost and the heartache we both endured from missing out on our companionship for TEN YEARS, I could be angry or sad… but I’m not. I realize that I tried to “drive the bus” in my life plan and I was off course. God didn’t make me wait for Jon. He was loving and gracious enough to bring us back together when we were both ready for what He had planned for us, a love and friendship that is stronger and more than I ever prayed for in all my own begging for a husband. God’s plan is perfect, even when we do our best to mess it up. To be completely honest, I never gave much thought to what a husband would bring to the table in my life. I never knew the absolute joy and feeling of God’s love and grace I would feel in having a man that is a spiritual leader in my life. I did not even know to want it as I grew up a Christian in my own heart. But God blessed me more than I knew was possible. In trials Jon has prayed with me and over me and I felt his love and God’s love pour into me and fill my soul like never before. I have prayed with Jon and seen him weep, that our bond was so great that noone in his life had ever prayed with him or for him in quite the way that touched his soul. We were meant for one another, in ways we could never have planned or anticipated. Simply, God planned our union and as it is of Him, it is perfect, even with all of our flaws that make a mess of things, when we center on God, our love and worship of our Savior is perfect and builds us stronger all the time.

      Another thing I’d like to share and hope you will find time to read is an article about teaching your daughters (and sons) about the goals in fitness. Briefly the blog was about a woman’s experience in a fitness class where the instructor was encouraging participants to envison the results of their hard work in a physical sense, such as fitting into a special dress, or looking good in a bathing suit, when a healthier, much more lasting perspective is loving exercise for the health benefits and the emotional benefits of feeling strong and believing that building a strong healthy body is a beautiful thing, rather than focusing on killing yourself in pilates to look beautiful. Basically I take it and this blog to heart that we as women and as role models should be focusing our attention on working hard to love and serve others, do good works for the Glory of God, seeking His word and trusting in His plan for our lives (to include friends, and comanions that may become spouses), rather than “waiting on a husband” or picturing the body we worked hard for in “THAT bikini or THAT dress” Here’s the link: http://wellfesto.com/2013/11/19/10-things-i-want-my-daughter-to-know-about-working-out/

      I hope you and other readers understand that I share my experience, along with my pastor’s advice, to encourage others in their lives and in raising young women and men. I did feel like I wasted time by waiting for the right man to come into my life. I was happy, but sometimes didn’t let myself be completely happy in simply trusting God to guide my life and provide all that He had planned for me. In the end, His plans were so much better than my own anyway!

    • I agree with you, Jasmine. Extremes can cause a lot of damage. I grew up in the church, didn’t kiss anyone until I was 17 and had been dating my boyfriend for four months, signed the true love waits card, dated him for two years and never had sex. Then when I was 20 I felt that something was off. I ended up having sex with someone who was not able to give me what I deserved. I went from one extreme to another, and was absolutely lost and confused.. I knew sex was meant to be a beautiful thing, but I didn’t know what that looked like because I went from one extreme of being repressed to releasing that repression- and both were equally as hurtful to myself.

      Happily, at 26, I have recently found a wonderful man and we have been together four months. We are taking things slow, and have not had sex yet. I have found the balance of extremes and meaningfulness that sex is meant to be, And it is quite a relief to feel that I have found my way home.

  22. “If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.”

    Great stuff overall, but please do understand, though we are called to represent the life-enduring marriage of Christ and the Church; in Marriage (Eph 6); we must never worship or idolise our spouse.

    I want to recommend some online resources I have found tremendously helpful:

    1. A FANTASTIC short clip on ‘suffering without sinning:

    2. Free Ebook – This Momentary Marriage:
    http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/books/this-momentary-marriage

    This book is also fantastic, looking at the huge biblical depth behind Marriage. Please download and read!

  23. “True love waits.” isn’t about whether to get married now or wait till God drops someone into your lap. “True love waits” is about not having sex before marriage. It is no guarantee God will give you a spouse. If you are tired of waiting for a spouse, you may find yourself still “waiting” even tho’ you got married, if it isn’t the person God has for you. What I mean is that we spend our lives waiting on God, not for what we want but for what He wants, in every area of life. No use feeling like you are tired of waiting on God. If you do it wrong, you will still be waiting on God, for whatever. . . The original post was correct. We must trust that God is our source and He gives us what He wants us to have.

  24. I was the “waiting one” who married the first man who showed an interest in me (at the age of 24) without getting to know him. I was proud to say I was a virgin on my wedding night (although he was not). A year later, I found he’d molested a child, and I committed the “unforgiveable sin” of divorce. Luckily, there is no one left to tell me to start waiting again, because they would far rather tell me I’m “damaged goods”. But now in my 30s, I have realized that I don’t want a husband, I want a child. And if God sees fit to bless me with one, I will be as proud to say that I am a single mother as I was to say that I was a virgin on my wedding night. I have yet to find another Christian, outside of my own family, who can understand why I am not “waiting” for a child.

    • You are not “damaged goods”! Don’t let anyone tell you that!! God is a God of New Beginnings–and you have saved yourself years of unhappiness and denia by making choices that turned away from your husband’s sin. God Bless You!

      • Definitely yes I agree! And God does work with burnt stones, don’t ever disqualify yourself. Religion disqualifies but God doesn’t.

    • I’m sorry that’s been your experience. I’m a Christian and I can definitely understand your desire for a child. I Wish in real life we could be friends…

      • I guess my point is the fact that I consider myself someone who’s been through this and out the other side. I’m glad that someone is finally addressing this issue, and find myself on the brink of the next one that’s going to get shoved under the rug for the next decade or two until it grows to the size of the “elephant in the room”. What do we label (because as Christians, we just can’t bear the thought of not being able to label something “good” or “evil”) the people like me, who have decided that in spite of the fact that God hasn’t given us that perfect husband, we’re going to continue to love and serve God (rather than get angry at him for “denying” us our husbands)… and try to conceive our children before we hit menopause? And in ways that specifically do not include praying for an immaculate conception because if He hasn’t provided the “miracle” of the husband yet, how do we justify that we have any right to the miracle of conception in our old age? Either we find a way to cope with the core issue, or we keep going around this same issue – waiting for a husband, waiting for a child, waiting for a career, waiting for all the things we feel that God SHOULD owe us – until we reach old age and weep because we never lived? This is very different from “sow your wild oats.” It’s very different from “sex is fun and promiscuity is okay.” And it’s the issue that people who overcome the issue in this article are facing. I am regarded as a “loose woman” (to use the kindest phrase I can think of) and shunned by the Church – as will be my child, to some extent. My relationship with God is strong enough that I can overcome this. What about the people who don’t have that kind of strong relationship with God? What happens when we help them past this issue of waiting and then, with wide eyes, cry “That’s not what we meant!” and throw them out of our circle of acceptance?

        • I have to disagree with your plans to go ahead and have CONCEIVE a baby without a husband. Isn’t that just another way of telling God that you’re not happy with what He has provided or wants for your life so you will just go ahead and do what YOU want? I don’t disagree with having a child should God lead you in that direction, however, I KNOW it would not be to go ahead and conceive (unless I’m misunderstanding what you plan to do). There are thousands of babies and children in this country and world living without families. They are all alone. Why can’t adopting be a way to serve God and share His love to those who are starving for it?

  25. I felt when I read “Lady In Waiting” that they actually pushed for women to find satisfaction in The Lord. The name of the book is a little deceiving, but I felt the author preached more on finding completion in The Lord than actually waiting on mister right.

  26. I appreciate the article. I think the thing about sexual purity is that it’s not so much important for the sake of your future spouse as it is important for the sake of your present relationship with God. I have learned from my own experience that disobedience can’t coexist with faith. One must eventually give way to the other. For me, feeling my faith fade and my heart becoming insensitive to the Spirit became too great a price to pay.

  27. Staying present in the Lord at all times is a good idea. I have found in every circumstance there are blessings and bummers. If I only focus on the bummers of my current situation then that is all I’
    ll experience. I choose to experience the blessings of today and to hold fast to the Lord when the human needs are weighing heavy upon my heart. I pray for excellent partners for those who are single and that those who find their partner will enjoy being an excellent partner even when it gets complicated and you look back at the freedom of your single days and realize that there was much to be thankful for then if you were only open to it. Don’t waste today cause you’ll never have it again. Love………..

  28. I don’t understand this idea of focusing on God before finding a spouse. Everything you do in life, including finding and loving your future spouse, will be in devotion to God if you so choose. God is not waiting for you to love Him first and then hand you off to a husband. You must become familiar enough with yourself to know who you want to be with for the rest of your life, and not be “waiting” for a person to fall into your lap. God expects you to become a fully fledged human being–not just a wife. Develop yourself fully, meet people, consider always what you think God wants for you (and from you), and your life will be good.

  29. I friend had sent a link to your blog via Facebook message, and I am so glad I remembered enough to be able to search because tonight it says it was removed because it was marked as spam or abusive…? really??
    Anyway…I stand in line to say thank you for sharing your heart! Just today a well meaning friend messaged me about a new prospect she has been made aware of and wants to set up a time for us to meet…sigh…I know they mean well…right? ;)
    Blessings on your journey and deciphering your own personal Treasure Map…the road to Abba…

  30. I think this might be totally besides the point how would this philosophy\world view\logic explain those who are not of the Christian faith and yet have found wonderful partners and have fulfilling marriages?
    It’s easy to say that those outside of Christ can’t find what I mentioned above but dare I say, I’ve actually met people who are outside of the Christian faith who I’ve known and what I mentioned above seems to be the case.

  31. Yeah, read this before and love the contentment of it and always encourage single people who are wanting to not be single to really make the most of the singleness while they have it and find contentment in it but to also [only IF you are wanting more] to continue to lay those dreams and desires in front of God and cry and scream and shout and whatever else being real looks like – was 35 til i got married and so i know a lot of the singleness journey [which is different for every single person] – am honoured to have some great stories shared by some single friends of mine who have all struggled with it in different ways [not that everyone does or has to] on my blog and would be super amped if you’d be up for a guest post there as well sometime… http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/04/taboo-topics-singleness-intro

    email me if you’re interested [brettfish@hotmail.com]
    but thanks for being vulnerable and it’s obvious that your post touched a lot of people
    love brett fish

  32. Dear __?__, A very well written article. The problem with the SBC’s True Love Waits abstinence campaign is that it was targeted strictly to teenagers with no thought in mind of a wait into adulthood. The word “waits” was never meant to go any further than high school graduation. The teens who signed the commitment cards thought of it as a short term wait until their wedding night. But we know God’s timing is not our timing and when those teens became adults the question became “waiting for what? – like you described. It’s founders, Richard Ross and Jimmy Hester, developed TLW as a local Nashville program to help their daughters wait until marriage before having sex. I agree with you too that in a real way that put the cart before the horse by not emphasizing accepting Christ first and by not making him a crucial link in the waiting process. But I wouldn’t toss out your purity ring so fast. Instead, you could personally renew your commitment to wait, but with the broader perspective and wisdom of a 25 year old young lady. As a matter of fact, God calls some people to a life of celibacy, which is just as biblical and holy as a life of marriage. John, waiting, fifty two (johnhughmorgan.com)

  33. My own journey has included chastity and modesty as means of growing in understanding and love of other people. This essay contains very good advice. Don’t let one aspect of your life control too much, especially your spiritual center. Answer with openness and joy what IS offered and the results in contentment and fulfillment will be forthcoming in unexpected ways. As a non-believer, I am glad to read this declaration of the importance of looking to the Creator for the trust we must have when faith and ritual seem empty and futile.

  34. I grew up going to Sunday school and hearing these same messages about waiting. But after so much frustration, I did grow away from God. Felt like He wasn’t real anymore. Still does feel that way. I dated and lost my virginity and became so broken. It’s a slow and painful journey back, and I’ve only just begun. It’s so hard to comprehend that God will heal and satisfy me, that I could feel anything more than an aching loneliness.

    • I know it’s hard to comprehend, but it can happen. I have learned the hard way that trying to fill your loneliness with your own solution or with a person God never intended for you only make you feel even lonelier and worse. I have strayed from God in everyway possible throughout my life. I have begun my journey back about two years ago, and I want to encourage you that it is worth it. God is healing me and filling me in a way I never thought possible. Don’t believe the lie of the enemy that you are “damaged goods” because of your mistakes. God is a healer and restorer and if you let Him work in you He will restore you to a place you never thought possible. He creates “beauty from ashes”, this has been true in my life, and it will be true in yours. Let go and Let God my dear sister.

      • You are so right, Nicole. I was not “pure” when I married nearly 30 years ago, but God healed, restored, and gave back the years that the locusts had eaten. One word of encouragement, maybe more of an exhortation, if and when you do marry, don’t expect your husband to fill that Godshaped void. It can stress a marriage and be more lonely than I can put into words. Only God can fill that need.
        Many blessings to you all~

    • Hey girl i have felt this way too, you are not alone. God understands who we are, our weak frail frame, but the message of ephesians (i just read) says that the lord has already done everything and hads prepared good works for us to walk in. Now while i dont fully comprehend where that initiates that we start, the truth is we do not have to understand it all or be good enough to come back or find our way back., He takes us right here in our brokenness just as we are.He just asks that we are honest with Him about what we feel and what we are going through. That we acknowledge it, and who weve become. if we are just quiet, stop and listen we will find we still have a gentle understanding compassionate savior waiting ready and available to us, we dont have to wait till our lives get better, or till we get better, He is right here now for us to turn to, grab a paper and a pen and begin journaling all your thoughts, frustrations, and hurts to Him and toward Him,start with how you feel. He says pour out your heart before Him, that means Hes here to listen, He can sympathize with any pain, he was tempted in all points and experienced and carried every burden, so lay it on Him dont hold anything back, it might take some time for the healing to come, but so much immediate healing will come just by bringing yourself before Him and pouring out your heart, your feelings what you think of Him even though we will find most of our thinking of HIm is not true, he already knows so we shall not hold anything back. There is truth waiting and i promise you will begin to see who He really is, when you bring before Him in honesty who you really are. from one hurting girl to another. love ya

  35. Felt pretty much the same way waiting to conceive and never did. Have found that as much as I wanted a child (and no one wanted one more), Christ Jesus is all I need! He is The Great I Am & fills every void perfectly if we just ask and let Him!

    • I am happy to see your response. I went through that time after having our 1st (only) child. I needed to let God show me that I could trust HIm when it was time to not depend on medical process and just rely on Him.

    • I’m going through this myself. I have 2 darling girls and would like to have one with my husband. He is infertile. It hurts a lot. I don’t get mad at God. I did lose a job over it however. I’m looking to see how God wants to use the situation.

  36. This is a very true and well written post. Thank you for your time in writing this for young women such as myself.

  37. I had no idea that people would send the message that marriage would come when their faith would be ‘big enough’. this is pure B.S. Marriage helps both people to grow in their faith, as the need to lean on God gets more and more necessary. All married couples can witness that marriage ain’t easy. It’s often a painstaking decision we make every day to love our spouse, and give them our time, energy, and attention. It’s not all that romantic at all. Happiness should be present of course, but certainly not constantly. There always are struggles, disagreements, hurts…
    When we start to care for someone of the opposite sex, we always change our attitude. Actually everything in us changes. Basically, the ‘me’ we present is actually a fraud, a sublimated version of ourselves. And so is doing the person we care for. One married, reality sinks in over time, and all this temporary ‘state of grace’ start to fade away, to show the real ‘me’.
    When you care for someone, check how that person behaves with old friends, relatives, colleagues… that will give you hints of the real person you’re thinking of sharing the life. This will also give you hints of the strength of their faith.
    My point is that whether you wait or marry at a young age, you will not marry who you thought you were. Surprises await you, good and bad. Marriage is all about team work helping each other overcoming weaknesses and shortcomings. Some people have said ” I did not marry the person I dreamed of, but after 40 years of marriage, that dream finally came true”. And no, they did not divorce. they helped their spouse change, while changing themselves.
    Whatever your circumstances, don’t get fooled. Marriage is amazing, but just be aware that what you see is not what you get. Don’t spend years looking for a mirage.
    Waiting for years for the perfect person, or marrying younger and working together to let God iron our your shortcomings, that’s your call.
    God let people chose their life partner. You can chose to go that route, and observe every single person of the opposite sex and see for yourself if that person could be a potential spouse. If you ask God to help you see the person for who that person truly is, he will show you. He will also show you your real motivations, and possibly the existence of a hidden list of yours.

    You can also wait passively for God to give you a spouse . But you might have an issue when that person comes, let me tell you. I can guarantee you this person will not be the person you would have chosen. You let God do the job, he’ll do it thoroughly and perfectly. Not giving you what you flesh desires, but what will prepare you for all eternity. God will give both of you the person that will help both get closer to Him, and be transformed little by little., and there will likely not be much for either in terms of selfishness in there ( it works both ways. I know, that hurts.) .
    Let me say it again in plainer terms: If you think God will give you exactly what you want, you’re in for a surprise. You had the power and liberty (withing boundaries) to chose your spouse to start with. When you decided to put God totally in charge, you renounced that liberty, and freed him of that check list you made.
    The danger is to stay in between, like telling God he is in charge and still keep a right to veto when he obliges. That to me is a sure way to miss the mark and become a bitter, disillusioned person, who of course will blame God at the end…
    Finally, some people might not be meant to get married. God has called people in history to be entirely dedicated to Him. I believe those people usually are happy in that situation and don’t lose time waiting, but instead give to God that part of themselves that could have been for someone else.

  38. Where is the poem for boys to wait? Is it the one that says, “Sew your wild oats…”? And I can tell you who wrote that poem, it was a man.

  39. True story. When I stopped caring and started pursuing only God, my husband fell right on my lap. Not to say that will happen to everyone, but it felt freeing to stop wondering and waiting, it felt nice just doing and living life for today.

    • This doesn’t just happen to young women. The same thing happened to me. I was about to graduate college and wasn’t dating anyone seriously. I was at a college where women out-numbered men – great women: intelligent, beautiful women from good families. When would I ever been in the midst of so many wonderful prospects? But “Miss-right: hadn’t appeared and I was in a near panic. I was headed to full-time ministry and I NEEDED a wife! God called me on it. “Wait! What’s the hurry? You need to focus on ME, not ‘her’. Trust me.” And so the panic subsided, the nearly frantic searching ceased and I relaxed into the possibility I would NOT be married any time soon. That longing took a back burner. And THEN, I met her. The woman of my hopes and dreams crossed my path. It wasn’t love at first sight (thought I did think she was beautiful). I didn’t even like her when I first met her! But we were thrown together in a situation where I got to really know her and VOILA! I was smitten! We married 18 months later.
      True love DOES wait, but it waits patiently, expectantly, and knowingly.
      Our view of the future just might have to give way to God’s view of the future and they may not be the same. Accepting THAT fact is probably the hardest.

  40. Very, very well said. Being in my late 20s and still single can be really hard some days, especially when I see so many of my friends (many of them younger than me) getting married and having kids. I have to admit I’ve nagged God about this quite a few times, and every time I come back to what you said here. I have to remember that God loves me more than anyone else in the entire universe, and that He will always be enough. And I trust that He will provide me with everything I need, both materially and emotionally. And until my future husband shows up, I will enjoy the blessings I already have.
    That’s what I aim for, anyway.

  41. Remember, you are waiting for your husband because you love God. You will never find your husband if you stop loving God. Remember, your marital bliss is tied up in your faith, so if you lose faith or start believing in something other than Christ, you won’t ever get married and your husband will be locked away from you forever. Remember, marriage is waiting for you over that perpetual hill of God’s love. Remember, you will probably die before you meet your husband because you haven’t figured out how to manage your faith correctly. Remember, faith in God is more important than happiness on Earth.

    • Well, James, I think you ignored completely what the write said. “you will never find your husband if you stop loving God” And “you wont ever get married and your husband will be locked away from you forever” Those are two very bold things to say, and sound more like a scare tactic to keep girls in line. Faith is an ever growing thing. You will never perfect it, single or not, given someone else’s baseline of what their version of faith is. I could go on and on, but wont argue with someone that is so dogmatic to miss the fact that while we have faith in Christ, that we also operate in the flesh, and we are prone to mistakes. To say, “Until you have perfected faith, you will never get a husband” will lead girls into a LONG and LONELY life. Think about that for a moment.

    • James, this feels very sarcastic. It isn’t about a lack of happiness without a spouse (and who claimed that spouses make you happy?) or that single women are single because they haven’t loved god properly or managed their faith. This is about how men and women have taken well meaning advice and allowed Satan to twist it a degree or two from plum, and the long term consequences of it. (Sound familiar, it’s what Satan does with everything he touches.)

  42. This is a great post. Find your fulfillment in Christ. When He’s your everything, the rest doesn’t matter as much.

    • I waited to give the love of my life a present,Me.I prayed that God send him my way and I also prayed for specifics.God knew what I needed to make me the best I can be.He gave me a man that loves God.I love him more each day.I have been married 39 yrs…He answered my prayer exactly.My husband said that I was the best present that he has ever gotten.I thank God for helping me to listen patiently….True Love Waits.

Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: